Hiya!

Long time, no post, but here's the deal -- (1) I've decided to stop posting the specificity of our journey...as we do want our pregnancy to be a fun surprise for family and friends!  And, (2) it's been hard for me to deal with the reality of IUI.  I never realized that would be a struggle for me until it became our only option.  When I found out, I cried.  I was a wee bit devastated for a minute.  I never expected to feel that way.  Henry honestly thought I’d be thrilled as IUI will actually increase our chances.  But, I’ll be honest, I felt a little cheated.  It was hard for me to accept that we will not be making out baby in the privacy of our own bedroom.  Our future baby will be made in a doctor’s office with modern medicine, a catheter, and an ultrasound machine.  Not the romantic picture I had in mind.  Not only that, but I can't even take my own pregnancy test.  The doc will have to take a blood test and let me know.  Weird, right?

But, after having dinner with M and J on Friday, venting to my amazing small group girls, and indulging in a bubble bath while allowing myself a few tears, I've been feeling much more hopeful and excited. 

Actually, I found myself looking at cute onesies…like this one…

...but then again...shopping...or at least window shopping always cheers me a bit!  I'm looking forward to posting more of the fun little things I find and learn as we keep on keepin' on.  Love you guys! :)

Refocus

It’s so strange to be “celebrating” my 3^rd Infertility Awareness Week (April 24-30); and it seems incredibly ironic that I have been informed of several more pregnancies and am seemingly surrounded by adorable rounded bellies recently.  I find myself excited for my own journey and down in the dumps all at the same time.  We’re definitely on our way to trying again, but in the meantime, I feel an annoying sense of urgency and impatience.  J  It’s kinda my M.O. 

But, I’m not focusing on that right now.

 Right now, I’m focusing on the love and support I have gotten from some pretty wonderful people.  For example, right in the middle of this week of all weeks, I received a beautiful turtle necklace from a high school friend who I literally haven’t seen in 10 years.  I couldn’t believe that  (A) she reads this blog, (B) that she would care enough to do something so incredibly sweet, and (C) how absolutely beautiful and “me” it was.   On top of that, I am so grateful for those of you who read my blog and talk to me about everything and offer me prayers, support, a strong shoulder, etc.  There are those in my life who are not comfortable talking to me about this stuff AT ALL; and it makes me appreciate you guys so much more. 

Thank you

"Time to use the big hammer"



Not that Hammer



Yes, those were the words Dr. Y used.  I like that image.  Anyhoo, our appointment went really, really well.   Dr. Y is extremely hopeful for us, and said, “You’re young.  You’re healthy.  You will have babies.”  I feel like getting that tattooed on my forehead.  It was nice to hear!  I’m not looking forward to the shots, but I’ll do it!  10 days of shots.  Wowza.  Anyone have any ideas for how I can learn to love shots?  Or at least not be so terrified of them?  Seriously.  I’m a little terrified. 

Terrified, but one thing Dr. Y told us was that the shots do not have the same terrible side effects as Clomid – NO mood swings, no depression, no thin uterine lining, etc.  YES!!!!!!!!!!!  That news made my year.  HOWEVER, there are other side effects – Like Ovarian hyperstimulation and increased chances of multiples.  Basically, this means that I’ll be monitored much more closely than I was with the clomid.  The dosage of drugs is monitored and altered if need be throughout the cycle based on the ultrasounds and blood tests.  If I generate more than 3 eggs, they will cancel the cycle.  This freaks me out a little bit because I remember my girlfriend having to cancel several of her cycles due to this side effect. 

But I’m getting a little ahead of myself.  Before the shots, Henry and I need to do our tests.  This was a big sticking point for me because I seriously didn’t feel like going on hormones to get my period to start before doing the hysterosalpingogram.  But, guess what???  Because I’m a special case – a freak of nature if you will – I do not have to.  I can pretty much go and get the test whenever I want.  So, that is awesome.  I finally found one benefit with my amenorrhea.  Thank YOU brain tumor! 

The only bit of bad news, and it could actually turn out to be good news, is our insurance.  Our insurance does not cover any of the medication or ultrasounds, but Dr. Y mentioned as he was leaving that our stuff should not be billed as “infertility” even though we are going to an infertility clinic.  His reasoning is that my stuff is all a side effect due to a brain tumor, not a classic infertility case.  He said that we should fight the insurance company, and he’d even been willing to draft something to them if we get push back.  I guaranty we will get push back, because I tried to tell them this last year.  But, perhaps with his help, we may get somewhere.  Maybe even get reimburse for the crap we paid for last year????  That would be amazing.  The pessimist in me thinks that it will be a whole lot of fighting, a lot of hold time, transferred calls, and slow going without much result, but we’ll see.

What was really amazing was that I truly felt that Henry and I were together today.  We had our questions answered, and Henry left with the packet of information ready to call our insurance company, ready to schedule our appointments, ready to get this show on the road!  I don’t have to do anything!   He’s pretty much taken it upon himself to shoulder most of the stress, and leave me out of it.  I am good with that!!!  Not only that, but he told me today that he plans on coming with me to my ultrasound appointments.  His support, especially in that area means the world because that was the hardest thing for me at our last go-around.  My ultrasounds last year rarely went well.  Whenever I went in, it was generally bad news, and it was usually difficult for me to get a hold of Henry because he was at work  (and when I would get a hold of him, he couldn’t talk because, ya know, he was AT WORK).  I spent many days crying in my car, alone, before heading back to work.  It’s an unbelievably wonderful feeling to know that I will be supported in this adventure.

It’s weird to thing that this time last year, we were putting the brakes on infertility due to a need to stop hemorrhaging $$$.  This year, we’re starting again.  Maybe by this time next year we’ll be parents??  Maybe?? J
__________________________________________________________

Oh, and more cool news, I had Chinese for lunch today...lookie at my fortune cookie.  Yippy!

Eureka!

Found it!  Yes folks, I retrieved my sanity.   Pesky little bugger, but I found it!  Give me enough time, and I’m generally pretty good at stepping back, reassessing the situation, and achieving a more positive outlook. 

How did I find my slippery little friend?  Basically, I’ve stopped letting fears and insecurities run rampant in my brain.  I’ve taken back control by making a plan for how we’re going to proactively attack this infertility journey.  Last go-round, we didn’t have much fun.   We did everything we were supposed to do with little enthusiasm and small hope.  I have to admit by the end, I didn’t expect it to work.  I just wanted to keep throwing money at it, because the alternative seemed too horrible.  I didn’t want to give up!  But the truth is, giving up, or rather, taking a break, was the best thing for us.  We had a blast last summer/fall/winter and reconnected in ways we never thought possible after the drudgery of the infertility mess. 

So, how do we do that?  How do we launch into this thing with joy, hope, enthusiasm, and keep the “us-ness” that I like so much?

One thing I’ve really, really been concentrating on is changing my prayers and my general outlook.  I’ve stopped praying for a specific outcome - - ie. a baby.  As I’ve said before, I KNOW we are going to be parents.  That part is already taken care of; we just don’t know how we’re going to get there yet.  Ideally we’d have our own; but in all reality, our path to parenthood could lead us to adoption, or just being awesome mentors to the kiddos we already have in our lives (like my super cool aunt Kath who doesn’t have any kids of her own but instilled values in me that I still carry with me to this day.  AND was the very first person to show me how to apply mascara).  I do not know what God’s plan is for our lives, but I know things will be a lot easier if we are listening to Him and actively participating in His plan.  So I’ve been praying for His will to be done.  That’s easier said than done, but I’m workin’ on it. J

Secondly, I’ve come to the realization that our lives generally rock.  I love my husband.  We’ve been together since we were babies, and we seriously dig each other.  How many people can say that??  That blessing on top of the fact that we live a beautiful home, have ornery, entertaining cat daughters, jobs, a freshwater beach less than 40 min away, amazing friends, fantastic family, etc, etc, etc, is AWESOME .  Why get all bitter, sad, and morose over not being able to have kids right now the way we want to?  Why not enjoy the ride?  I think to help us with this, I’m going to put up something visual.  We need a board of some sort to look at – to refocus, re-center, and remember what it is that we’re doing here when days get shitty (It doesn’t hurt that I LOVE crafts). So, I’m going to get some brightly colored poster board and get busy making it chaotic – filling it with pics of us (especially horrid ones – aka – Prom with my terrible hair), inspirational quotes, things that make us laugh, things that are uniquely us, and glitter, lots of glitter. 

This brings me to the third thing I’ve been attempting to focus on.  I’m not naïve.  I realize that this optimism/new outlook will be put to the test once we actually begin again.  Between fertility meds (aka – CRAZY pills/shots), doctor’s appointments, ultrasounds, bad news, and credit card swipes, it will be a challenge to keep the positive energy flowing around the Holmes’ household.  So, I told Henry last night that I would like to do our best to make the next few months FUN!  Let’s find a way to laugh at the timed shots, the awkward situations, the crazy, little outbursts I’m bound to have.  Laughing is good for the soul, and I intend to do a lot of it.  We’re in this together (which, in and of itself, is amazing); let’s try to enjoy the ride!! 

Confused

Riddle me this…what the hell is wrong with me???  I may not have periods, but I still have crazy hormone shifts, apparently.  Since my last post I have dropped into a crazy depression.  Like literally, the minute I hit “post”, my mood shifted.  I’m depressed, can’t stop crying, and have been lashing out on those closest to me.  One of my good friends was the unfortunate recipient of my unadulterated wrath.  Not only did J catch a snippy little email from me, but Henry caught a huge dose of general B****ness too.  Why?  Here’s the thing, I really have no idea. 

So, what else to do but blog in an attempt to work out these feelings??

My guess is that I’m freaking out a little bit.  Our appointment  with Dr. Y is just around the corner; and as excited as I am to get pregnant, I am so not looking forward to the tests, ultrasounds, medications (and subsequent “YUCK” side-effects of said medications).  I have seen a friend go through all this crap, and am getting nervous about following her down that road.  This is why we tried the acupuncture for several months.  I was SO attempting to avoid this stuff with magical voodoo needles and Chinese herbs.  *Sigh*

 At the same time, I think life in general is getting to me.  I need a break from my job.  Henry needs a break from his job.  We’ve both had insanely stressful months at the office, and we need to escape for a few days! 

Hence: A Vacation Jar

Let’s just hope that puppy fills up fairly soon!!

And let’s hope I find my sanity again.  I know I left it around here somewhere…



A Big Step in the Right Direction

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!  Yeeehaaawwww.  Yip!  YEEEEE!!!

(That was the sound of me doing a crazy, happy dance)

My hubby just sent me an email -- a glorious, magnificent, wonderful email telling me a bit of electrifying news:

We have an appointment on the calendar with Dr. Y!!! 

For those who have missed previous posts, Dr. Y is an infertility endocrinologist.  He will be guiding us along over the next few months as we officially begin this journey again.  I’m excited, scared, anticipatory, nervous, thrilled, apprehensive, anxious, fearful, overjoyed, eager, and calm all at the same time.   I feel like my little frame is going to burst at the seams with nervous energy!!

The unfortunate part is that our appointment isn’t until April 19^th, but I’m looking at that as a positive.  Not having an appointment for 3 weeks, will mean 3 full weeks without having a single appointment as I will no longer be seeing Dr. H.  In the meantime, I’m looking forward to enjoying this lovely Spring weather.  Besides, once you’ve been trying for 3 years, what’s a few more weeks??

Moving On

Tomorrow is more than likely my last meeting with Dr. H.  We exchanged emails last week after my last visit in which I simply reminded him that 3/29 is our last scheduled appointment, and asked, "Is this going to work or isn’t it?  I expected him to say something along the lines of, “Well, we’ve given it a solid 3 months; I do not think it’s going to work.”  Or, “We’ve made great progress; I think you’re almost there.  Let’s give it one more month.”  No, instead he said, “Well…..we could start doing more aggressive treatments…” 

Hmmm.  Nope. 

The man knew he had 3 months (a deadline he established himself) when we began this little adventure.  If more aggressive treatments were available, why are we just now discussing this???  Grrr.

So, that sucks. 

Henry is coming with me tomorrow simply because he is better at dealing with this sort of thing than I am.  I’m always afraid I’m going to hurt someone’s feeling and I do not think fast on my feet.  Plus, the hubby coming with me is just a really great jumping off point to him being more involved in our future moves at the infertility clinic. 

Speaking of, Henry revealed some of his thoughts as to our future plans with me on Saturday.  Apparently, he will be making appointments for April.  The lucky guy has to get a semen analysis done, and I get to endure the oh so fun to say - Hysterosalpingogram .  Other than that, I’m not really sure what we’re doing at this point (can you tell it’s driving me crazy???).  I think Henry is going to make an appointment sometime in the next few months to sit down with Dr. Y (Infertility Endocrinologist) to talk about our next move(s).  

My Mantra

So, continue to stay tuned.  I’m excited to move on, but not particularly enjoying this limbo stage at this point.  And please pray that I get better at releasing control and trusting in my hubby.  He deserves my trust.

James 4:8 - "Come near to God and he will come near to you."

Since my last post, things have been going very well.  I feel renewed, refreshed, and filled with hope.  A lot of what’s changed is my rehabilitated commitment to taking more time for God every day.  I did not like where my head was at in the beginning of March.  It scared me to be completely honest.  Henry and I cannot afford to head back to infertility row without getting our hearts in the right spot.  We need to be in a place where we are a solid team; sure of where we are going, and happy to share in the journey together.  It’s hard to explain, but when I’m in my “God time” recently, I just feel filled with a sense of finality.  Finality in the sense, that it is already done.  My prayer has already been answered; I just haven’t seen it come to fruition yet.  Does that make sense?  In other words ~ I will be a mother;  Henry and I will be parents.   All that’s required of us is faith and patience.  (and money, lots and lots of money…:))

That being said, I have struggled with the haunting feeling that all of this is my entire fault.  I am the broken one in this struggle.  I’m the one that had the brain tumor.  I am the one that doesn’t work.  Last year, I felt that I was the one pulling us to and through the process at the infertility clinic.  True or not, in many ways it felt as though  I was the one who wanted a baby, and Henry loved me enough to begrudgingly except that path until he finally had to put his foot down last May and gave our wallet a break.  I don’t want to feel that way anymore. 

This is not “Lyndsay’s thing”.  I want Henry to feel that he can be honest with me, and either dive into this full throttle, or put the brakes on.  He’s had anxiety as we’ve been creeping closer to April (aka – Go Time), which is completely understandable.  But his anxiety causes me anxiety on top of my guilt; and I refuse to begin this way.  As excited as I was to call the infertility today and get an appointment for next month, I’m not going to.  With my renewed sense of faith in God’s promise, I realize there is no hurry.  My marriage is more important.  I married my best friend.  I want to stay friends and more through this, and we can only do that if we are a united team jumping into this fight together.   After feeling his anxiety come to a head yesterday, I decided this morning to tell him to take the ball and do what he needs to do.  If he would like to take April off, okay.  Maybe we should go on vacation or even take a stay-cation – just relax and enjoy each other for a week.  Honestly, that is fine with me because I love us first – baby is second.  But on the other hand, if he wants to start now, he is going to have to make that call.  I have asked that he call the infertility clinic to set up our appointments, and tell me where I need to go and when. 

So, stay tuned.  Not quite sure what the plan is at this point, but I’ll keep updating. 

Psalm 32:8 - "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you." 

Trust Issues

It’s an interesting coincidence that my twisting, turning infertility journey just so happens to cross paths with this Lenten season.  In many ways I do find myself using this time to draw closer to Jesus; to withdraw with Him into the wilderness and reflect.  It’s a time to take stock of where Henry and I have been and where we are going.  At the Ash Wednesday service yesterday, I felt a supreme sense of unity in my personal brokenness with the One who was ultimately broken and miraculously reborn as I received my cross of ashes.  In the moment when the words, “From ashes you came, and to ashes you will return” were mumbled into my ear, I felt my heart break. 

In the period that followed, I sat silently and thought about that.  Life is short.  Life is vapor; and filling it will self-inflicted stress, pain, and sadness is no way to celebrate the precious gift of Jesus' sacrifice.  He sacrificed Himself so that we may have life, and have it abundantly.  Then the question hit me --  When's the last time I lived life abundantly? 

One quote my good friend Jill uses a lot is, “Understanding is God’s responsibility.  Trusting is ours.”  I struggle with that.  I want to understand what’s going on and why, and I want immediate results/feedback/answers.  Basically, I am a control freak, and I find it supremely challenging to pour myself 100% in anything that we’ve tried.  I find myself cooking up back-up plan after back-up plan, rather than relaxing in the knowledge that God would not have put this desire to be a mother in my heart if it wasn’t meant to be.  I just have to keep reminding myself that we’re just not sure what that will look like yet.

So I’m using this time to relax and fortify myself with the knowledge that God has already made this promise of motherhood to me.  Trusting in that promise and in His timing is my responsibility.  That's a hard pill to swallow, but it would make life a whole lot more fun if I would work on that notion more diligently. 

This Lenten season is just that – a season.  It has a beginning and an end as everything does.  The time for celebration is near! 

“From the ashes you came, and to ashes you will return”.  --  Let’s not waste the precious time in-between with sadness and doubt.

In the words of Austin Powers, "Grrrr, Baby."

Well, Kids, March has come in like an emotional lion, and I’m hoping it will go out like a Zen little lamb.  I have been a crazy, sad girl this week.  The eternal optimist buried deep within me is saying that this could be due to an increase in hormones.  Maybe I’m getting ready to start a period?? 
Maybe??

Or, more likely, I’m getting nervous about this next month.  We have 4 more acupuncturist appointments, and I seriously don’t believe it’s gonna work.  Not that I regret the decision to try acupuncture.  I have enjoyed other benefits, but his a small happiness compared to what I was hoping for. 

So, yes, I believe it’s back to the infertility clinic, my friends.  Blah.  That blows.  Now, I’m just trying to decide what to do.  Should I call them now?  Last time I was referred to Dr. Y, it took over a month to get in.  I do NOT want a month of lag time.  Also, I’d like to be proactive when we meet with them.  I know they are going to try to rush us into IUI, but before we can do that, I have to have a Hysterosalpingogram.  For those of you who do not know, a Hysterosalpingogram is an X-ray test that looks at the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes and the area around them to look for any blockages or other issues.  The problem with this test is that it will cost us a little over $1,000 right out of the gate.  Thank you SUCK insurance.  Yep, before we could even start anything, we’d be down $1,000.  That’s a little hard to swallow.  That said, I’d rather start with Clomid again.  Yes, I’ve already tried it like 10 times in the past. No, it didn’t work.   But, I’ve had more time since my brain tumor surgery to heal, and maybe the acupuncture did something?  Maybe I would be more effective this time?  I don’t know.  I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head.  It’s hard to process them all.

Besides the mental hampsterwheel situation I’ve got going on, feelings of guilt have been increasing exponentially.  A lot of Henry’s sentences as of late begin with, “Once we get this baby situation figured out…”, or, “Once we know how much this is all going to cost….”.  Because I am broken, we can’t make plans.  Because I’m broken, we are committed to sinking loads of money into something that could turn out to be fruitless.

I’m scared.

I’m scared it’s not going to work.  I’m scared that so many of our other dreams will have to die because of this one.  I’m scared about what this is going o do to my body. 

And, I’m angry.  It’s so unfair that we even have to go through this.



Sometimes pictures say it best

...for my spring...

Making a plan not to plan

Read this first...Article by Rob Bell.

I am a planner. 

At least I used to be. 

I vividly remember riding with Henry one sunny afternoon months before our wedding.  Being the planner I am, I used this opportunity to “map out” our future together in a Mead notebook.   After a bit of time, we had quite the list of dreams, goals, hopes, and methods for achieving everything we wanted out of life. 

The two items I remember discussing at length were (1) vacations and (2) children~ 

1.  We decided that we would make traveling a priority.  I had seen very little of the U.S. and I had certainly never left the country before meeting Henry.  Putting a stop to that nonsense, we got engaged in Panama, and had our Honeymoon in London.  We intended to continue this tradition year after year, adding stamps to our passports and photos to scrapbooks throughout our life together... 

2.  As far as kiddos go, our most mature decision was to wait until I was 23 to start trying to have kids.  Yes, this would give us two full years to build on our relationship before baby makin’.    Very wise.  Once we decided that, we discussed the perfect number.  Two, we decided, was the lowest acceptable number, but three would be ideal because I like odd numbers…maybe because I am a little odd myself…:)

Like Rob, my world changed with a headache.  Well, not one headache, but a multitude of headaches and other symptoms I ignored for years.   A little blood work, several MRI’s, and a CAT scan later a large tumor in my head was confirmed. 

Funny, a tumor wasn’t in our plans. 

The subsequent issues I’ve had due to the tumor were not in our plans. 

The time at the infertility clinic, and the thousands of dollars that has already spent out of pocket, was not in our plans.   I wish time at the infertility clinic was more of a picnic as the funds used there have stolen any and all vacation money away.  At least they have free coffee and magazines, but my sad little passport sits with my maiden name still inked on the cover and two little stamps inside.

So, here I am, 28, and life has not panned out as we planned to date.   I actually find myself unable to make plans.  Everything seems to now hinge on “fixing” me.  “If I get fixed, then we can afford…”  Or “If I get pregnant by ‘x’, then… “ Or “Once we know how much this is going to cost us, then we can decide….”.  It’s been a few years of limbo, and that just feels strange for a planner like me. 

Fortunately, I would say this year is the first year that we’ve been better about making the most of our limbo time.  We’ve taken mini trips to the beach, bought snowboarding stuff, and tackled some home projects.  We’ve focused more on living and celebrating the wonderful things that we already have because time is ticking by.  Life is now.  Life doesn’t begin once we achieve these other things we desire, but now, and it’s our job to make the most of what is going on now in the everyday.  Baby or not, me ever being fixed or not; I still need to discover my life’s passion and get started.  As Rob spoke about in the article, his suffering lead to a new tomorrow.  I'm excited to see what that tomorrow looks like. 

Reminder

Today was my 6th appointment with Dr. H.  As this marks the half way there point (as he told us to give him 3 months), this is just a little reminder for myself...:)...

Bam (like Emeril, but with less butter) !!

Like a bolt of lightening a wonderful little piece of knowledge blasted itself into my consciousness last night.  I was blindsided and thrilled at finally recognizing an essential truth about myself. 

 Since beginning of this infertility journey, I’ve a really, really hard time when someone becomes pregnant.  The obvious reason for this sad reaction is of jealousy of course.  Well, jealousy AND heartache, but I think it’s more than that.  It’s about relationships.  Growing up with divorced parents, I lost a lot of friendships as my parents transitioned from place to place, and my brother and I moved from home to home.  We lost friends.  I can honestly say that I do not have any childhood friends.  I’ve never stayed in one place long enough to develop lasting bonds, and I learned to stop trying and caring so much to do so.  This trend has stayed with me into adulthood.  I didn’t become close to many people in college, except for my two roommates.  We spent every waking hour together and were in each other’s weddings.  Sadly, soon after graduation they moved away.  One moved to Chicago and one to the other side of the state.  We still call each other from time to time, but it’s not the same. Due to this history, I would say that my biggest fear is abandonment. It's only been within the last 5 years I have developed a few friendships that have lasted several years.   Though, sadly, the cause behind the friendships that have fallen apart are due to Henry and my struggle with infertility.  It seems that the moment my friends become pregnant, our friendships have died. 

I remember this specifically happening with a girlfriend a little over two years ago.  We were SO close.  Henry and I actually moved a mile up the road from them, and were geeked at all the time we’d be able to spend together without the long commute in our way.  One way we bonded was in or shared struggles with infertility.  She and her husband had actually been told that they were never going to be able to have kids due to massive surgeries she has when she was younger.  Conceding to that truth, they had mapped out a plan for their future sans children.   We connected in this area until a miracle happened and they became pregnant.  I was over-the-moon thrilled for her!  But, things changed between us overnight.  Trying to be a good friend, she made sure to not talk about her pregnancy around me.  When I would ask her questions, she would answer quickly before rapidly changing the subject.  In all honestly, I changed too.  I became guarded and no longer cried on her shoulder about my own struggles.  It just felt awkward.  She could no longer “go there” with me.  If/when I did bring it up, she’d retort with short simple answers such as, “It’s all in God’s timing.  Just look at me!!!”  I no longer felt listened to, so I stopped talking.  Today, we still live a mile apart, and I still look at all the adorable pictures of her son on facebook, but I never see her anymore.  I’d like to say that this is the only time this has happened, but it’ not. 

Looking back over this history, I realize that one crippling fear I have when someone becomes pregnant is that they are going to leave me.  This especially blows considering the fact that most people will have kids at some point in their lives.  Hanging out with a sad, infertile chick like me is not so fun when you’re BURSTING at the seams with joy and just want to bubble over with preggo-excited JOY all the time.  I get it; I understand, but it sucks.

But, here’s Part 2 of my revelation from last night. 

I was hanging out with my small group girls last night, and it suddenly hit me that this pattern will not continue with these girls.  Somehow, when I wasn’t looking for anymore friends (because my existing friends are pretty awesome), these girls came into my life.  We’ve been friends for only a year, but we are already family.  The group of eight (including husbands) have shared so much of themselves.  In all honesty, everyone in the group has disclosed more about their lives (past, present struggles, future hopes, etc.) than I have.  This, in and of itself, is HUGE for me.  I tend to over-share and leave myself feeling raw and bare.  In more times than not, the honesty is not reciprocated, and I am left to feel exposed and uncomfortable.  But, for the first time, I cannot wait for my friends to become parents.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  I suppose it’s truer to say, that I know that it will be okay when they have kids.   I know that I will be invited in.  They have proven to me that they have the depth and sensitivity to navigate the weirdness well.  I will be invited into conversations, baby showers, nursery planning, and babysitting.  I’m sick of being on the outs by good meaning people for my own emotional protection;  and I’m happy to know that this will not happen again.  Thank God for small Blessings.

Still Here...

I've decided to step down from the crazy wagon.  I'm feeling a little better, but it hasn't come easily.  I've had to work on it by forcing myself to meditate on the positive.  After my little blog puke fest the other week (aka "Most Depressing Post to Date"), things were looking a whole lot worse for a bit.  I got a call from one of my oldest and dearest friends.  She had been trying to get a hold of me for awhile, but I had been avoiding her call.  I knew.  I just knew she was pregnant.  I ignored her calls until I had to admit to myself that I was being unfair.  What kind of friend would I be to not allow her to share her good news?  Feeling my heart sink down to my stomach, I picked up the phone and called her back.  As soon as the words were out of her mouth, hot tears welled up in my eyes, and I quickly tried to blink them away.  Successfully hiding the squeak in my voice, I managed my way through the conversation -- asked all the right questions and was even able to throw enough enthusiasm in my voice when I congratulated them.  Man.  That phone call hit me like a truck.  I love this couple, but they are another example of those who decided to get pregnant, and the plan is carried out to perfection.  She got off birth control; they went on one last great vacation, and BAM – pregnant.  Just the vacation in and of itself is enough to drive me batty.  It’s been a LONG time since we’ve had a vacation.  It’s crazy depressing to watch all of our resources being dumped into something that comes so easily to most. 

But I digress, I’m starting to wallow again; so let’s move on. 

Yes, I’m feeling better.  My friends have been such a blessing. One of my girlfriends and I went and indulged in stupid good fun the other week -- SLEDDING!  It was a blast!  Soaked, cold, and covered in bruises, we went down the hill again and again, only to crash just about every time before trudging back up the hill.  Awesome. 

Then my small group peeps took two whole days to help us repaint our entire upstairs.  Henry and I are so touched that people would take the time to endure the tedium of painting.  They somehow transformed a tiresome, boring affair into a good time.  Somehow between singing along to the radio, eating pizza, and having interesting conversations, I found myself enjoying the whole masking, rolling affair. 

And finally, there was the snowboarding trip last weekend.  I've never had such a good time falling on my booty again and again and AGAIN.  For an entire day, I didn’t have to force thoughts out, or avoid areas of conversation.  It was a relief.  I felt free in the fresh, cold air as I cruised (yes, I’m using that term loosely) down the hills.  I hope to get my own board so I can enjoy it more often. 

So, “Thank You”, friends.  I thank God for you.  I wouldn’t be standing as straight as I am today without you.

Bitter Old Hag...Yup that's me!

Seriously.  I think I am going to have to start hiding people on facebook.  Tonight was another night of stumbling upon happy belly/ultrasound pics.  Yay!  More fun announcements that have completely caught me off guard.  Here I was....doing so well...feeling so optimistic.  The acupuncture seems to be doing something.  No, I still haven't had a period...but I have felt things.  Some cramping, some ovary pain.  But still...no period.  I still feel like a man-child.  And yet, all these youngin's on facebook just keep on getting pregnant.  I try so hard not to sneer....especially at the ones that just "oops...got preggo!!"  How in the heck can it be so simple for some, and so seemingly impossible to others??  I try so hard not to get bitter and hate them for their happy, happy posts.  And yet, the tears come.  I don't even try to stop them anymore.  I cry.  Hard.  Allowing myself to have long, hard belly cries allows me to pick myself up more easily and move on.  I heard somewhere once that crying releases toxins from cells that allows one to feel less stressed and more positive after.  At least that is the justification I am currently using.  But I've gotten better at hiding my emotional outbursts.  I simply take a shower.  Crying in the shower makes it harder for Henry to hear me.  When is it going to be my turn????  When will God answer MY prayers???  I suppose my only relief tonight is to know that crying is okay.  It's good to feel.  It's human.  Someday this will all make sense...

Acupunctawhat?!

Had my first meet and greet with the acupuncturist last Thursday.  I have to say, as skeptical as I was walking in, I have never left a doctor’s office with a higher opinion of my caregiver.  This guy was awesome!  For the first time since entering into actively pursuing baby Holmes, I felt sincerely listened to and cared about.  He asked me about a million questions, and gave me specific, concrete things that I can start doing right now to improve the effectiveness of the treatments.  To my immediate dismay however, this meant giving up my one true love – diet coke.  *shudder*  To make matters worse, he also shot down my second most loved beverage – coffee.  Double ouch.  To subjugate his passionate bias against the aspartame in diet coke, and the Splenda in my coffee, he gave me tons of reading material.  Honestly, it made my skin crawl.  I can’t believe I’ve been putting that crap into my body for so long.  Seriously, I’ve always been the girl who started my day with a SUPER size coffee from Biggby and then drank coke like water throughout the rest of the day.  No wonder I’m out of whack.  Not only do I have to switch from coffee and coke to tea and water, but I have to really work on cutting out Nitrates and MSG.  Ugh!  I love me some Nitrate-dogs!  The one thing I could pat myself on the back of and be proud of was my general eating habits. I tend to eat about 6 small meals a day, and he insisted that he has been encouraging his patients to eat like that for year.  Yeah!  Go me!   Plus, I always eat a big salad with lots of vegetables and a boiled egg.  The doc loved that, but told me to increase my eggs to 2 per day.  Something tells me that I’m going to get really sick of eggs!   Oh, and he also gave me some reading material about a philosophy called the Doctrine of Signatures.  It’s fascinating!  After all this, the doc said he was pretty sure he could get my period to start within 2 to 3 months.  What??!  That’s amazing.  I’ve never had a doctor give me a definite answer before.  So, we’ll see, but for now, I’m holding him to that!

After chatting for about an hour, the real fun began.  Holy crow!  What a trip!  I didn’t feel any pain with the actual acupuncture whatsoever; shocking considering the needles were going in about ½” to an 1” (according to Henry as I couldn’t watch).  After place and adjusting all the needles, I was covered with a blanket, soft music began playing, and I was left along for about 25 minutes.  I almost fell asleep; I was so relaxed. 

Now here’s where it get’s weird.  I had the most bizarre reaction to all of this!  Once I got in my car and left, I got lost.  I could not figure out where the heck I was or where I was going. I was completed disoriented!  It was the craziest thing!  Once I found my way home, I jumped on my elliptical and pounded out 50 minutes of exercise.  Still pumping with energy, I spent the next 3 hours cleaning the crap out of my kitchen!  I haven’t felt so ALIVE in a long time.  My minimal research via Google revealed that this is common.  According to Wikipedia, TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) maintains that when energy is blocked in the body, it’s like a hose that has been kinked.  Once the hose is released, the energy is allowed to flow and has an initial overflow of energy that comes bursting out until ultimately stabilizing into a more consistent stream.  After the initial craziness of the 1^st day, I’ve experiencing a lot of cramping/ovary pain.  I don’t know what that means, but it’s gotta mean something, right?! 

So, as of today it’s been 4 days since my 1^st appointment, and I go again tomorrow.  I haven’t had any diet coke or coffee, and we’ve thrown out a lot of our most evil foods.  It hasn’t been too bad.  I’ve had terrible, terrible moments of crippling yearning for diet coke…or as I like to call it Ambrosia (aka Drink of the Gods).  But, I’ve heard it only takes 21 days to solidify a new habit.  Super…only 17 more looonngggg days to go.  I suppose, though, if this actually works, I won’t miss diet coke quite so much anymore.