Learning to Dance in the rain...

I've been really working on following my new red carpet philosophy, and, I'm not gonna lie, I have noticed a HUGE improvement in my attitude.  It's becoming easier to stop in the middle of everyday moments and praise God.  Once you do that a half dozen times in one day, it's amazing to see how you can't help but be happy and unbelievably touched by awe and gratitude.  I had one of the best days yesterday.  A very satisfying work day, followed by an amazing evening spent with some of my new girlfriends. Somewhere in the mist of that (probably during the time I was supposed to be working...maybe that's why my day was so great!! :)), I found the most amazing etsy shop for me!  The artist is Ninjagrl and she specializes in making these amazing pieces of art featuring turtles! 

I LOVE this one!  As soon as I saw it, I couldn’t help but think that it was my patronus and I battling against this damn infertility beast. 

Isn’t it fun?!  I love that she kinda looks like me -- Skinny with a weird sort of cowlick thing on the back of her head.  LOL.  Yesterday was the best day to stumble upon this shop.  I don’t know what was going on in the universe, if there was a glitch in the Matrix, or what, but I must have seen 30 tampon commercials.  In the past, these commercials depressed the heck out of me.  Amenorrhea is a bitch., but, I’m not gonna lie, it was nifty in the beginning.   A lack of periods means never having to worry about back up protection, cramping, bloating, etc.  But, after 5 years, it has become alienating.  It’s hard to hear other women complain about their monthly “gift, and not being able to relate.  Not to mention, it’s hard to even hope for pregnancy when you’re missing one of the essential pieces of that dream – namely, ovulation.  But, I found this little etsy shop with these adorable paintings, and after viewing all those stupid tampon commercials, I felt better!  I feel like my little patronus is fighting for me throughout this hold pattern.  We have 2 months until we go back to the infertility docs, and I’m just working on my attitude in the interim.  Besides, I’m sure I’ll have a blast enjoying those drug induced periods once we start up on all the fun fertility drugs again. Ha!

The Red Carpet

My awesome husband has always had (to put it mildly) an optimistic point of view.  Through his eyes, God is constantly raining down blessings, and it’s up to us to recognize them.  He calls it his “Rolling out the Red Carpet” theory.  The way he sees it, God is always rolling out the red carpet, and Henry cannot help but feel blessed.  Whenever we have come up against trials or devastating news (i.e. my brain tumor, the loss of an income, infertility, etc), Henry has always paused to take a moment to run down the list of all the blessings in our lives (i.e. a beautiful home, each other, adorable kitty cats, etc).  He is somehow always able to do that.  Henry can inexplicably make himself feel better and use his uplifted attitude to stare at the situation in a more constructive way.  For example, whenever I get scared about upcoming infertility treatments, he stops me and says, “But think about how blessed we are that we live in a country that provides infertility treatments, and that we have good jobs and can pay for it!”  Imagine now, how irritating that is when you are a natural pessimist like me!  This has always been something I’ve struggled with, and even after 12 years of togetherness, it still does not come naturally to me.  It’s easier than it used to be, but I definitely have to work on it.  Today, I am feeling down.  I have felt fairly alone and frustrated by my body.  I still have not had a period since my tumor surgery over a year ago, and there is literally no explanation!  So, I’m using this as an opportunity to pause and thank God for the blessings.  So, thank you God for

…Henry and everything he’s been in my life.  I can’t believe I’ve been lucky enough to be with a man who is not only my best friend, but get’s me and all of my weirdness. 

…your grace and faithfulness

…my beautiful home and the space it provides for solace and rest at the end of the day

…my pretty kitty cats and all the fun and companionship they offer us (by the way…please be with Bella between the hours of 7:00am-5:30pm Mon-Fri and keep her furry butt off our kitchen table!)

…for our jobs and the financial freedom they provide

… for our Church.  After years of searching, it’s fantastic to finally have a place to call home.  On that note, thank you for our small group!  They are amazing people, and I cannot wait to get to know them better

…for our friends and all the love and support (AND FUN!!) they freely give us

…for our families

… for caffeinated beverages (especially from Biggby).  Caffeine love is the most beautiful thing Monday mornings!

…for hair dye and its amazing ability to cover gray hairs

There are many, many more, but I’m already feeling better for now!  I will continue to do this practice whenever I feel down.  And as I am a pessimist, I’m sure it won’t be too long until I need to do it again.

Expecto Patronum!!

Recently, I read a blog that really struck me (Thank YOU “A Little Blog about the Big Infertility).  In this blog, Jess states that in the world of infertility, we all need a patronus.  As Harry Potter discovers in Prisoner of Azkaban, when we are in the mist of evil and our sense of hope is in danger, we need to conjure a protector.  For those of you who are not complete Harry Potter nerds like me, (and also for a little extra background review) a Patronus (courtesy of Wikipedia) is conjured as a protector, and is a weapon rather than a predator of souls.  A patronus is an incarnation of the caster's innermost positive feelings, such as joy, hope, or the desire to survive, and cannot feel despair.   

One of my best friends took this idea of the Patronus and ran with it.  A full-fledged (or corporeal) Patronus takes on a fixed animal form that is often significant to the witch or wizard casting the charm.  So, my friend took a lot of time to read  about animal symbolism, and eventually settled on the owl as her personal patronus.  Her husband even bought her a beautiful owl necklace and pillow to take with her to upcoming doctor appointments.  

Thinking this was a perfect idea, I stole it! :)  I've invested a lot of time reading about animal symbolism and taking the time to conjure the perfect animal form for my situation.  I've landed on the TURTLE.  Turtles are a symbol of the earth and motherhood.  As a totem (or patronus :)), the turtle can grant patience, ability to accept slow progress, and has the power to heal feminine diseases.

Expecto Patronum!!!! 

Aw, Turtles are pretty cute too!

Background and waiting games

For a little background, my hubby and I have been TTC for a little over 2 years.  Five years ago, I stopped having periods entirely.  I went to the same apathetic doctor for years that repeatedly put me on rounds of estrogen and clomid to no avail, telling me I was thin and worked out too much.  After 3 years of this, I decided to change doctors.  My new doctor did a round of tests, insuring me that we would get to the bottom of my MIA period.  This wonderful doctor quickly discovered that I had a large tumor pressing on my pituitary gland causing a high level of prolactin to be released into my system.  For those of you who do not know, prolactin is a hormone that increases rapidly once a woman conceives.  It stops the ovaries from releasing eggs and prepares the body for housing a baby for 9 months.  Wala!  This diagnosis made perfect sense!!!  Only problem was that I had to have a neurosurgeon go in and remove the large tumor, and no one really knew how my body would react to the removal of a tumor that had been pressing on my pituitary gland for the better part of 14 years. 

It’s been a year since the surgery.  Here’s the good news, my prolactin levels are now completely normal and I am tumor free.  The bad news is that I now have hypothyroidism and have to take drugs every day to supplement the hormones that are no longer produced by my pituitary gland.  I still have not had a period, and we’ve spent thousands on infertility treatments (thank you insurance for covering NOTHING!). 

So, hubby and I are now on a break from going to our infertility doctor.  We have been on a break since May, as we simply ran out of money and couldn’t go on to doing IUI at the time.  Also, we decided to give my body a little more time to heal after the surgery.  Fourteen years is a long time to have a golf ball sized tumor in your head!

As depressed as I was in May to take a break, it’s actually been a really great thing for us.  We’ve reconnected and have really learned to have fun together again!  It’s easy to get caught up when you’re going through this infertility fight and forget why you’re trying for this baby all along.  We have decided to give it another go in January.  I feel good about where we are as a couple and we’ve had some time to squirrel a little money away.  So, here’s to hope!!

Newbie

I’m new to this whole blogging thing, but one of my bestest friends has inspired me with her blog, so I thought I’d give it a go!

Here are a few of my favorite fall pics so far this year to start us off...

1st trip to the orchard this year!