Reflections of a year gone by

It’s so hard to believe that 2010 is coming to an end!  Seems like every year goes faster and faster.  Doesn’t it? And, wow, what a year it’s been.  Full of crazy ups and downs.  I’m tempted to say it was a bad year.  Navigating the infertility roller coaster from January to May to no avail was rough.  But ultimately being were forced to take a financial break, was the real gut shot.  I’ll be honest, when Henry first came to me and said that we could not afford to hemorrhage money into the baby making pit, it broke my heart.  I hated him for being the messenger.  Yes, he was trying to protect our family from financial ruin.  But at the time, all I could see him as was a roadblock; concrete and cold to my pain, blocking me from my dreams of babydom. 

It seemed impossibly hard to pull out of that pit.  All I could do was pray.  Pray for hope.  Pray for patience and understanding, and pray for forgiveness.  Mostly, I prayed for forgiveness.  I’ve been far too guilty of the sin of ingratitude.  As much as it sucks that we have not been blessed with a child of our own, we have been so blessed in other ways.  I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on our blessings and really taking the time to praise God for them.  Through that, amazing things have happened.  Henry and I have become closer than I ever thought possible.  We’ve always been close, but this is a closeness that I never even realized was possible.  Watching the way he cares and loves me is something beautiful.  Once I stopped thinking about myself so much, and started noticing all the little ways he says “I love you”, my eyes were opened to what an amazing man he is.  Not only have been blessed in that relationship, I’ve also gained other relationships.  Through God’s perfect timing, we met a small group in our area associated with our church in May.  We’ve become fast friends, and I love and trust all of them.  I tend to put up walls, but they didn’t even give me a chance!  Then there’s my family.  My mom and I have always been close, but this rough patch has brought us even closer.  And I love all the little turtles she’s given me - including my snazzy new turtle charm bracelet!  Not only have I been so grateful for these relationships, I've learned to really appreciate my old friends, and be thankful for the ways they've enhanced my life...not to mention the ways they've stuck with me when I was a Moody McMooder-Pants.  Thanks guys!

As we bring this year to a close, I can honestly say that it's been a good year.  I learned a lot, and I have never been stronger.  We’re going into 2011 with renewed strength and optimism.  I’m actually really excited for our future.  Instead of going back to the infertility clinic, we are trying something a little different as I still have not had any periods.  Seriously.  Going on 6 years now…  So, we’re going to try acupuncture.  Strange, yes?  But, I’ve had several people tell me that it has worked for them; and I’m all about a less invasive procedure to kick off Operation Baby Making.  If there was any way I could get pregnant on my own, that would be wonderful! 

Happy Friday!

I heard this song today while streaming KLOVE online at work.  It was the perfect song for me to hear today.  Thank you, Father.  LOVE it.  Halleluah, AMEN! :) 

Praise you in this storm by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus

John 16:33

I’m finally feeling more into the Christmas season.   Somewhere between getting our Christmas tree, decorating the house, and watching Elf, my spirits lifted.  I can’t put a finger on what it’s been exactly, but I’m chalking it up to Grace.  I have been working so hard at trying to make myself feel better.  Working, working, and working so much that I’ve only really succeeded in feeling defeated and drained.  After my last post, I prayed; and it was the most honest prayer I’ve prayed in a long time.  In essence, I told God that I have no idea what I’m doing, obviously, and I give up.  I finally realized that I have to surrender to Him and stop trying so darn hard.  After that, I honestly felt nothing.  Blank.  Not happy, not sad, not anything.  I went through the motions of the day, and was honestly thrilled to no longer be caught up in the roller coaster of the day to day emotional thrill ride. It sounds depressing, but the lack of emotional response was a relief!   It was only then that I was truly able to experience God’s Grace and the subtle peace that comes with accepting it.  I started noticing little things.  Things like how affectionate my cat daughters have been lately.             I  mean, my little babies have always been snugglers, but Maggie has been insistent on sleeping right on top of me every single night.  She’s never really done that before.  And Bella has been following me around the house and laying me right by my feet when I’m cured up on the couch.  Besides that, I have been able to appreciate things like Saturday morning coffees with Henry, new Harry Potter movie releases, time with amazing friends, and cars that heat up quickly.  I’ve finally been able to just be and then appreciate the simple and beautiful things that make up the fabric of my life.  Now, I know that this could all go away.  I’m not stupid.  I am acutely aware that Grace is a gift you have to continuously accept and participate in it.  But the good news is that it’s always available.  If I lose it, I always have the opportunity to come back again.  Amen.

BLAMO!!

I’ve been having a very strange time.  About two months ago I decided to proactively take on my lovely, winter-time depression monster.  Confidently, I took the advice of my husband and began working on focusing on the positives of my life, because yes, I have a lot to be thankful for.  I felt that this year would be my year.  I would not again fall into a deep hole and pray for spring.  I felt good, great.  Success!

But then, BLAMO! 

Depression reared its ugly head.  It all started with my birthday.  I know, I know, 28 isn’t old.  But, I’ve been dreaming of being a mother for as long as I can remember, and I feel like my time is ticking by.   All I’ve ever wanted was a family.  You see, my parents divorced when I was two, and I spent my entire childhood bouncing between families.  I lived with my mom until the 4^th grade, then my dad sued for custody, and I lived with him until going back to my mom’s in high school.  It was a difficult childhood.  I never felt like I had a place where I belonged.   The custody laws determined where I would be each weekend, weekday, or school break.   I had a set of clothes, a bed, friends, set of rules, etc that changed depending on which house I was visiting.  I grew up with a feeling of transient family experiences.  Now, all I want is to make a baby and have a family of my very own.  One where we all live together in ONE house ALL the time.  Is that so much to ask???  I don’t think so.

Since my birthday, I have been able to bring myself out of my slump for momentary bits of time.  Mostly, it’s been Henry’s doing.  That man is amazing.  He has a way of making me feel that he is wholeheartedly devoted to my happiness and making me smile (probably because he is implausibly devoted to me despite my craziness).  He is kind and patient when I am not, and I would not be able to get through this without him.  That is for certain. 

But it just keeps happening.  Yesterday, I was feeling okay, until I overheard:

“Oh my God!   I blew a button!!”
“Well, you are 17 weeks!”
“I know!  I can’t wait to find out the sex!!”

Ahhh!  Kill me!   Work is my escape!  I’m usually so busy that I do not have time to think about my crap, but then BLAMO!! , I overhear a conversation that I did not want invading my consciousness in any way!  Rawr!  Nothing like bursting into tears at your cubical! 

I guess all I can do is continue to try.  I do have so much to be thankful for.  I know this, but it’s just so hard sometimes.  We officially have less than a month before “Go Time.”  January we hop back on the fertility treatment train, and I am freaking out!  Not to mention, December 20^th marks our 3 year anniversary of TTC.  Ugh.