Reflections of a year gone by

It’s so hard to believe that 2010 is coming to an end!  Seems like every year goes faster and faster.  Doesn’t it? And, wow, what a year it’s been.  Full of crazy ups and downs.  I’m tempted to say it was a bad year.  Navigating the infertility roller coaster from January to May to no avail was rough.  But ultimately being were forced to take a financial break, was the real gut shot.  I’ll be honest, when Henry first came to me and said that we could not afford to hemorrhage money into the baby making pit, it broke my heart.  I hated him for being the messenger.  Yes, he was trying to protect our family from financial ruin.  But at the time, all I could see him as was a roadblock; concrete and cold to my pain, blocking me from my dreams of babydom. 

It seemed impossibly hard to pull out of that pit.  All I could do was pray.  Pray for hope.  Pray for patience and understanding, and pray for forgiveness.  Mostly, I prayed for forgiveness.  I’ve been far too guilty of the sin of ingratitude.  As much as it sucks that we have not been blessed with a child of our own, we have been so blessed in other ways.  I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on our blessings and really taking the time to praise God for them.  Through that, amazing things have happened.  Henry and I have become closer than I ever thought possible.  We’ve always been close, but this is a closeness that I never even realized was possible.  Watching the way he cares and loves me is something beautiful.  Once I stopped thinking about myself so much, and started noticing all the little ways he says “I love you”, my eyes were opened to what an amazing man he is.  Not only have been blessed in that relationship, I’ve also gained other relationships.  Through God’s perfect timing, we met a small group in our area associated with our church in May.  We’ve become fast friends, and I love and trust all of them.  I tend to put up walls, but they didn’t even give me a chance!  Then there’s my family.  My mom and I have always been close, but this rough patch has brought us even closer.  And I love all the little turtles she’s given me - including my snazzy new turtle charm bracelet!  Not only have I been so grateful for these relationships, I've learned to really appreciate my old friends, and be thankful for the ways they've enhanced my life...not to mention the ways they've stuck with me when I was a Moody McMooder-Pants.  Thanks guys!

As we bring this year to a close, I can honestly say that it's been a good year.  I learned a lot, and I have never been stronger.  We’re going into 2011 with renewed strength and optimism.  I’m actually really excited for our future.  Instead of going back to the infertility clinic, we are trying something a little different as I still have not had any periods.  Seriously.  Going on 6 years now…  So, we’re going to try acupuncture.  Strange, yes?  But, I’ve had several people tell me that it has worked for them; and I’m all about a less invasive procedure to kick off Operation Baby Making.  If there was any way I could get pregnant on my own, that would be wonderful! 

Happy Friday!

I heard this song today while streaming KLOVE online at work.  It was the perfect song for me to hear today.  Thank you, Father.  LOVE it.  Halleluah, AMEN! :) 

Praise you in this storm by Casting Crowns

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus

John 16:33

I’m finally feeling more into the Christmas season.   Somewhere between getting our Christmas tree, decorating the house, and watching Elf, my spirits lifted.  I can’t put a finger on what it’s been exactly, but I’m chalking it up to Grace.  I have been working so hard at trying to make myself feel better.  Working, working, and working so much that I’ve only really succeeded in feeling defeated and drained.  After my last post, I prayed; and it was the most honest prayer I’ve prayed in a long time.  In essence, I told God that I have no idea what I’m doing, obviously, and I give up.  I finally realized that I have to surrender to Him and stop trying so darn hard.  After that, I honestly felt nothing.  Blank.  Not happy, not sad, not anything.  I went through the motions of the day, and was honestly thrilled to no longer be caught up in the roller coaster of the day to day emotional thrill ride. It sounds depressing, but the lack of emotional response was a relief!   It was only then that I was truly able to experience God’s Grace and the subtle peace that comes with accepting it.  I started noticing little things.  Things like how affectionate my cat daughters have been lately.             I  mean, my little babies have always been snugglers, but Maggie has been insistent on sleeping right on top of me every single night.  She’s never really done that before.  And Bella has been following me around the house and laying me right by my feet when I’m cured up on the couch.  Besides that, I have been able to appreciate things like Saturday morning coffees with Henry, new Harry Potter movie releases, time with amazing friends, and cars that heat up quickly.  I’ve finally been able to just be and then appreciate the simple and beautiful things that make up the fabric of my life.  Now, I know that this could all go away.  I’m not stupid.  I am acutely aware that Grace is a gift you have to continuously accept and participate in it.  But the good news is that it’s always available.  If I lose it, I always have the opportunity to come back again.  Amen.

BLAMO!!

I’ve been having a very strange time.  About two months ago I decided to proactively take on my lovely, winter-time depression monster.  Confidently, I took the advice of my husband and began working on focusing on the positives of my life, because yes, I have a lot to be thankful for.  I felt that this year would be my year.  I would not again fall into a deep hole and pray for spring.  I felt good, great.  Success!

But then, BLAMO! 

Depression reared its ugly head.  It all started with my birthday.  I know, I know, 28 isn’t old.  But, I’ve been dreaming of being a mother for as long as I can remember, and I feel like my time is ticking by.   All I’ve ever wanted was a family.  You see, my parents divorced when I was two, and I spent my entire childhood bouncing between families.  I lived with my mom until the 4^th grade, then my dad sued for custody, and I lived with him until going back to my mom’s in high school.  It was a difficult childhood.  I never felt like I had a place where I belonged.   The custody laws determined where I would be each weekend, weekday, or school break.   I had a set of clothes, a bed, friends, set of rules, etc that changed depending on which house I was visiting.  I grew up with a feeling of transient family experiences.  Now, all I want is to make a baby and have a family of my very own.  One where we all live together in ONE house ALL the time.  Is that so much to ask???  I don’t think so.

Since my birthday, I have been able to bring myself out of my slump for momentary bits of time.  Mostly, it’s been Henry’s doing.  That man is amazing.  He has a way of making me feel that he is wholeheartedly devoted to my happiness and making me smile (probably because he is implausibly devoted to me despite my craziness).  He is kind and patient when I am not, and I would not be able to get through this without him.  That is for certain. 

But it just keeps happening.  Yesterday, I was feeling okay, until I overheard:

“Oh my God!   I blew a button!!”
“Well, you are 17 weeks!”
“I know!  I can’t wait to find out the sex!!”

Ahhh!  Kill me!   Work is my escape!  I’m usually so busy that I do not have time to think about my crap, but then BLAMO!! , I overhear a conversation that I did not want invading my consciousness in any way!  Rawr!  Nothing like bursting into tears at your cubical! 

I guess all I can do is continue to try.  I do have so much to be thankful for.  I know this, but it’s just so hard sometimes.  We officially have less than a month before “Go Time.”  January we hop back on the fertility treatment train, and I am freaking out!  Not to mention, December 20^th marks our 3 year anniversary of TTC.  Ugh. 

Thanksgiving

I find myself smiling stupidly today.  I can’t help it.  I am so completely overwhelmed and feel so blessed by the people in my life.  I just have to thank God and humbly give thanks for my amazing family and friends.  It’s weird and a little awkward to say that I am thankful for my brain tumor, and subsequent infertility, but I am.    I’ve never felt so supported and surrounded by love.   I’ve always known that Henry is special, but it’s amazing to see his true character revealed over and over again as he’s loved and supported me throughout this rough little journey.  He’s even embraced my silly little patronus idea.   Just the other day, he bought me a little stuffed turtle while we were out shopping.  Oh my little patronus, how much I’ve grown to love thee. 

His name is Merlin

And, it’s been amazing to see how much others have grabbed on to the idea. 

I got this adorable notebook from one of my favorite friends who's been fighting the same TTC battle that we have. (Love you, Jilly!)  I've been using it to write down inspirational quotes as I see them...

Cute little Jewelry box type thing from my mama who has always found ways to make me smile...

Pin from one of my newest friendzies, Kylee  (we haven't been friends for a super long time, but, I'm not gonna lie, she's pretty awesome :))...

Just got this a few days ago from my wonderfully supportive aunts.  They have ALWAYS, ALWAYS been there for me and I adore them.  I can't wait to put it in my garden in the spring. :)...

And, I couldn't resist...I bought this for myself.  Gotta love retail therapy...

A little bump along the way (but not THAT bump)...

So, you know what really sucks?  Having to take pregnancy tests over and over and over again just to see another BFN!  Why do I continue to do this to myself?  I have to.  My endocrinologist told me to.  I don't have periods, and no one can tell me when/if my ovaries will ever start working again.  Therefore, I could miraculously become pregnant and not know it.  So, once a month, I take a test.  I know it's going to be negative.  I am painfully aware of this reality every single time, and yet somehow, I am completely crushed every time.  Yes, I am learning to maintain a much more optimistic attitude (see previous posts), but nights like tonight really suck.  As a double whammy, another high school friend just announced their pregnancy on facebook.  *sigh*  When can I just buy a ticket to pregnancy island??  When will it be my turn????

Learning to Dance in the rain...

I've been really working on following my new red carpet philosophy, and, I'm not gonna lie, I have noticed a HUGE improvement in my attitude.  It's becoming easier to stop in the middle of everyday moments and praise God.  Once you do that a half dozen times in one day, it's amazing to see how you can't help but be happy and unbelievably touched by awe and gratitude.  I had one of the best days yesterday.  A very satisfying work day, followed by an amazing evening spent with some of my new girlfriends. Somewhere in the mist of that (probably during the time I was supposed to be working...maybe that's why my day was so great!! :)), I found the most amazing etsy shop for me!  The artist is Ninjagrl and she specializes in making these amazing pieces of art featuring turtles! 

I LOVE this one!  As soon as I saw it, I couldn’t help but think that it was my patronus and I battling against this damn infertility beast. 

Isn’t it fun?!  I love that she kinda looks like me -- Skinny with a weird sort of cowlick thing on the back of her head.  LOL.  Yesterday was the best day to stumble upon this shop.  I don’t know what was going on in the universe, if there was a glitch in the Matrix, or what, but I must have seen 30 tampon commercials.  In the past, these commercials depressed the heck out of me.  Amenorrhea is a bitch., but, I’m not gonna lie, it was nifty in the beginning.   A lack of periods means never having to worry about back up protection, cramping, bloating, etc.  But, after 5 years, it has become alienating.  It’s hard to hear other women complain about their monthly “gift, and not being able to relate.  Not to mention, it’s hard to even hope for pregnancy when you’re missing one of the essential pieces of that dream – namely, ovulation.  But, I found this little etsy shop with these adorable paintings, and after viewing all those stupid tampon commercials, I felt better!  I feel like my little patronus is fighting for me throughout this hold pattern.  We have 2 months until we go back to the infertility docs, and I’m just working on my attitude in the interim.  Besides, I’m sure I’ll have a blast enjoying those drug induced periods once we start up on all the fun fertility drugs again. Ha!

The Red Carpet

My awesome husband has always had (to put it mildly) an optimistic point of view.  Through his eyes, God is constantly raining down blessings, and it’s up to us to recognize them.  He calls it his “Rolling out the Red Carpet” theory.  The way he sees it, God is always rolling out the red carpet, and Henry cannot help but feel blessed.  Whenever we have come up against trials or devastating news (i.e. my brain tumor, the loss of an income, infertility, etc), Henry has always paused to take a moment to run down the list of all the blessings in our lives (i.e. a beautiful home, each other, adorable kitty cats, etc).  He is somehow always able to do that.  Henry can inexplicably make himself feel better and use his uplifted attitude to stare at the situation in a more constructive way.  For example, whenever I get scared about upcoming infertility treatments, he stops me and says, “But think about how blessed we are that we live in a country that provides infertility treatments, and that we have good jobs and can pay for it!”  Imagine now, how irritating that is when you are a natural pessimist like me!  This has always been something I’ve struggled with, and even after 12 years of togetherness, it still does not come naturally to me.  It’s easier than it used to be, but I definitely have to work on it.  Today, I am feeling down.  I have felt fairly alone and frustrated by my body.  I still have not had a period since my tumor surgery over a year ago, and there is literally no explanation!  So, I’m using this as an opportunity to pause and thank God for the blessings.  So, thank you God for

…Henry and everything he’s been in my life.  I can’t believe I’ve been lucky enough to be with a man who is not only my best friend, but get’s me and all of my weirdness. 

…your grace and faithfulness

…my beautiful home and the space it provides for solace and rest at the end of the day

…my pretty kitty cats and all the fun and companionship they offer us (by the way…please be with Bella between the hours of 7:00am-5:30pm Mon-Fri and keep her furry butt off our kitchen table!)

…for our jobs and the financial freedom they provide

… for our Church.  After years of searching, it’s fantastic to finally have a place to call home.  On that note, thank you for our small group!  They are amazing people, and I cannot wait to get to know them better

…for our friends and all the love and support (AND FUN!!) they freely give us

…for our families

… for caffeinated beverages (especially from Biggby).  Caffeine love is the most beautiful thing Monday mornings!

…for hair dye and its amazing ability to cover gray hairs

There are many, many more, but I’m already feeling better for now!  I will continue to do this practice whenever I feel down.  And as I am a pessimist, I’m sure it won’t be too long until I need to do it again.

Expecto Patronum!!

Recently, I read a blog that really struck me (Thank YOU “A Little Blog about the Big Infertility).  In this blog, Jess states that in the world of infertility, we all need a patronus.  As Harry Potter discovers in Prisoner of Azkaban, when we are in the mist of evil and our sense of hope is in danger, we need to conjure a protector.  For those of you who are not complete Harry Potter nerds like me, (and also for a little extra background review) a Patronus (courtesy of Wikipedia) is conjured as a protector, and is a weapon rather than a predator of souls.  A patronus is an incarnation of the caster's innermost positive feelings, such as joy, hope, or the desire to survive, and cannot feel despair.   

One of my best friends took this idea of the Patronus and ran with it.  A full-fledged (or corporeal) Patronus takes on a fixed animal form that is often significant to the witch or wizard casting the charm.  So, my friend took a lot of time to read  about animal symbolism, and eventually settled on the owl as her personal patronus.  Her husband even bought her a beautiful owl necklace and pillow to take with her to upcoming doctor appointments.  

Thinking this was a perfect idea, I stole it! :)  I've invested a lot of time reading about animal symbolism and taking the time to conjure the perfect animal form for my situation.  I've landed on the TURTLE.  Turtles are a symbol of the earth and motherhood.  As a totem (or patronus :)), the turtle can grant patience, ability to accept slow progress, and has the power to heal feminine diseases.

Expecto Patronum!!!! 

Aw, Turtles are pretty cute too!

Background and waiting games

For a little background, my hubby and I have been TTC for a little over 2 years.  Five years ago, I stopped having periods entirely.  I went to the same apathetic doctor for years that repeatedly put me on rounds of estrogen and clomid to no avail, telling me I was thin and worked out too much.  After 3 years of this, I decided to change doctors.  My new doctor did a round of tests, insuring me that we would get to the bottom of my MIA period.  This wonderful doctor quickly discovered that I had a large tumor pressing on my pituitary gland causing a high level of prolactin to be released into my system.  For those of you who do not know, prolactin is a hormone that increases rapidly once a woman conceives.  It stops the ovaries from releasing eggs and prepares the body for housing a baby for 9 months.  Wala!  This diagnosis made perfect sense!!!  Only problem was that I had to have a neurosurgeon go in and remove the large tumor, and no one really knew how my body would react to the removal of a tumor that had been pressing on my pituitary gland for the better part of 14 years. 

It’s been a year since the surgery.  Here’s the good news, my prolactin levels are now completely normal and I am tumor free.  The bad news is that I now have hypothyroidism and have to take drugs every day to supplement the hormones that are no longer produced by my pituitary gland.  I still have not had a period, and we’ve spent thousands on infertility treatments (thank you insurance for covering NOTHING!). 

So, hubby and I are now on a break from going to our infertility doctor.  We have been on a break since May, as we simply ran out of money and couldn’t go on to doing IUI at the time.  Also, we decided to give my body a little more time to heal after the surgery.  Fourteen years is a long time to have a golf ball sized tumor in your head!

As depressed as I was in May to take a break, it’s actually been a really great thing for us.  We’ve reconnected and have really learned to have fun together again!  It’s easy to get caught up when you’re going through this infertility fight and forget why you’re trying for this baby all along.  We have decided to give it another go in January.  I feel good about where we are as a couple and we’ve had some time to squirrel a little money away.  So, here’s to hope!!

Newbie

I’m new to this whole blogging thing, but one of my bestest friends has inspired me with her blog, so I thought I’d give it a go!

Here are a few of my favorite fall pics so far this year to start us off...

1st trip to the orchard this year!