Sometimes pictures say it best

...for my spring...

Making a plan not to plan

Read this first...Article by Rob Bell.

I am a planner. 

At least I used to be. 

I vividly remember riding with Henry one sunny afternoon months before our wedding.  Being the planner I am, I used this opportunity to “map out” our future together in a Mead notebook.   After a bit of time, we had quite the list of dreams, goals, hopes, and methods for achieving everything we wanted out of life. 

The two items I remember discussing at length were (1) vacations and (2) children~ 

1.  We decided that we would make traveling a priority.  I had seen very little of the U.S. and I had certainly never left the country before meeting Henry.  Putting a stop to that nonsense, we got engaged in Panama, and had our Honeymoon in London.  We intended to continue this tradition year after year, adding stamps to our passports and photos to scrapbooks throughout our life together... 

2.  As far as kiddos go, our most mature decision was to wait until I was 23 to start trying to have kids.  Yes, this would give us two full years to build on our relationship before baby makin’.    Very wise.  Once we decided that, we discussed the perfect number.  Two, we decided, was the lowest acceptable number, but three would be ideal because I like odd numbers…maybe because I am a little odd myself…:)

Like Rob, my world changed with a headache.  Well, not one headache, but a multitude of headaches and other symptoms I ignored for years.   A little blood work, several MRI’s, and a CAT scan later a large tumor in my head was confirmed. 

Funny, a tumor wasn’t in our plans. 

The subsequent issues I’ve had due to the tumor were not in our plans. 

The time at the infertility clinic, and the thousands of dollars that has already spent out of pocket, was not in our plans.   I wish time at the infertility clinic was more of a picnic as the funds used there have stolen any and all vacation money away.  At least they have free coffee and magazines, but my sad little passport sits with my maiden name still inked on the cover and two little stamps inside.

So, here I am, 28, and life has not panned out as we planned to date.   I actually find myself unable to make plans.  Everything seems to now hinge on “fixing” me.  “If I get fixed, then we can afford…”  Or “If I get pregnant by ‘x’, then… “ Or “Once we know how much this is going to cost us, then we can decide….”.  It’s been a few years of limbo, and that just feels strange for a planner like me. 

Fortunately, I would say this year is the first year that we’ve been better about making the most of our limbo time.  We’ve taken mini trips to the beach, bought snowboarding stuff, and tackled some home projects.  We’ve focused more on living and celebrating the wonderful things that we already have because time is ticking by.  Life is now.  Life doesn’t begin once we achieve these other things we desire, but now, and it’s our job to make the most of what is going on now in the everyday.  Baby or not, me ever being fixed or not; I still need to discover my life’s passion and get started.  As Rob spoke about in the article, his suffering lead to a new tomorrow.  I'm excited to see what that tomorrow looks like. 

Reminder

Today was my 6th appointment with Dr. H.  As this marks the half way there point (as he told us to give him 3 months), this is just a little reminder for myself...:)...

Bam (like Emeril, but with less butter) !!

Like a bolt of lightening a wonderful little piece of knowledge blasted itself into my consciousness last night.  I was blindsided and thrilled at finally recognizing an essential truth about myself. 

 Since beginning of this infertility journey, I’ve a really, really hard time when someone becomes pregnant.  The obvious reason for this sad reaction is of jealousy of course.  Well, jealousy AND heartache, but I think it’s more than that.  It’s about relationships.  Growing up with divorced parents, I lost a lot of friendships as my parents transitioned from place to place, and my brother and I moved from home to home.  We lost friends.  I can honestly say that I do not have any childhood friends.  I’ve never stayed in one place long enough to develop lasting bonds, and I learned to stop trying and caring so much to do so.  This trend has stayed with me into adulthood.  I didn’t become close to many people in college, except for my two roommates.  We spent every waking hour together and were in each other’s weddings.  Sadly, soon after graduation they moved away.  One moved to Chicago and one to the other side of the state.  We still call each other from time to time, but it’s not the same. Due to this history, I would say that my biggest fear is abandonment. It's only been within the last 5 years I have developed a few friendships that have lasted several years.   Though, sadly, the cause behind the friendships that have fallen apart are due to Henry and my struggle with infertility.  It seems that the moment my friends become pregnant, our friendships have died. 

I remember this specifically happening with a girlfriend a little over two years ago.  We were SO close.  Henry and I actually moved a mile up the road from them, and were geeked at all the time we’d be able to spend together without the long commute in our way.  One way we bonded was in or shared struggles with infertility.  She and her husband had actually been told that they were never going to be able to have kids due to massive surgeries she has when she was younger.  Conceding to that truth, they had mapped out a plan for their future sans children.   We connected in this area until a miracle happened and they became pregnant.  I was over-the-moon thrilled for her!  But, things changed between us overnight.  Trying to be a good friend, she made sure to not talk about her pregnancy around me.  When I would ask her questions, she would answer quickly before rapidly changing the subject.  In all honestly, I changed too.  I became guarded and no longer cried on her shoulder about my own struggles.  It just felt awkward.  She could no longer “go there” with me.  If/when I did bring it up, she’d retort with short simple answers such as, “It’s all in God’s timing.  Just look at me!!!”  I no longer felt listened to, so I stopped talking.  Today, we still live a mile apart, and I still look at all the adorable pictures of her son on facebook, but I never see her anymore.  I’d like to say that this is the only time this has happened, but it’ not. 

Looking back over this history, I realize that one crippling fear I have when someone becomes pregnant is that they are going to leave me.  This especially blows considering the fact that most people will have kids at some point in their lives.  Hanging out with a sad, infertile chick like me is not so fun when you’re BURSTING at the seams with joy and just want to bubble over with preggo-excited JOY all the time.  I get it; I understand, but it sucks.

But, here’s Part 2 of my revelation from last night. 

I was hanging out with my small group girls last night, and it suddenly hit me that this pattern will not continue with these girls.  Somehow, when I wasn’t looking for anymore friends (because my existing friends are pretty awesome), these girls came into my life.  We’ve been friends for only a year, but we are already family.  The group of eight (including husbands) have shared so much of themselves.  In all honesty, everyone in the group has disclosed more about their lives (past, present struggles, future hopes, etc.) than I have.  This, in and of itself, is HUGE for me.  I tend to over-share and leave myself feeling raw and bare.  In more times than not, the honesty is not reciprocated, and I am left to feel exposed and uncomfortable.  But, for the first time, I cannot wait for my friends to become parents.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  I suppose it’s truer to say, that I know that it will be okay when they have kids.   I know that I will be invited in.  They have proven to me that they have the depth and sensitivity to navigate the weirdness well.  I will be invited into conversations, baby showers, nursery planning, and babysitting.  I’m sick of being on the outs by good meaning people for my own emotional protection;  and I’m happy to know that this will not happen again.  Thank God for small Blessings.