Still Here...

I've decided to step down from the crazy wagon.  I'm feeling a little better, but it hasn't come easily.  I've had to work on it by forcing myself to meditate on the positive.  After my little blog puke fest the other week (aka "Most Depressing Post to Date"), things were looking a whole lot worse for a bit.  I got a call from one of my oldest and dearest friends.  She had been trying to get a hold of me for awhile, but I had been avoiding her call.  I knew.  I just knew she was pregnant.  I ignored her calls until I had to admit to myself that I was being unfair.  What kind of friend would I be to not allow her to share her good news?  Feeling my heart sink down to my stomach, I picked up the phone and called her back.  As soon as the words were out of her mouth, hot tears welled up in my eyes, and I quickly tried to blink them away.  Successfully hiding the squeak in my voice, I managed my way through the conversation -- asked all the right questions and was even able to throw enough enthusiasm in my voice when I congratulated them.  Man.  That phone call hit me like a truck.  I love this couple, but they are another example of those who decided to get pregnant, and the plan is carried out to perfection.  She got off birth control; they went on one last great vacation, and BAM – pregnant.  Just the vacation in and of itself is enough to drive me batty.  It’s been a LONG time since we’ve had a vacation.  It’s crazy depressing to watch all of our resources being dumped into something that comes so easily to most. 

But I digress, I’m starting to wallow again; so let’s move on. 

Yes, I’m feeling better.  My friends have been such a blessing. One of my girlfriends and I went and indulged in stupid good fun the other week -- SLEDDING!  It was a blast!  Soaked, cold, and covered in bruises, we went down the hill again and again, only to crash just about every time before trudging back up the hill.  Awesome. 

Then my small group peeps took two whole days to help us repaint our entire upstairs.  Henry and I are so touched that people would take the time to endure the tedium of painting.  They somehow transformed a tiresome, boring affair into a good time.  Somehow between singing along to the radio, eating pizza, and having interesting conversations, I found myself enjoying the whole masking, rolling affair. 

And finally, there was the snowboarding trip last weekend.  I've never had such a good time falling on my booty again and again and AGAIN.  For an entire day, I didn’t have to force thoughts out, or avoid areas of conversation.  It was a relief.  I felt free in the fresh, cold air as I cruised (yes, I’m using that term loosely) down the hills.  I hope to get my own board so I can enjoy it more often. 

So, “Thank You”, friends.  I thank God for you.  I wouldn’t be standing as straight as I am today without you.

Bitter Old Hag...Yup that's me!

Seriously.  I think I am going to have to start hiding people on facebook.  Tonight was another night of stumbling upon happy belly/ultrasound pics.  Yay!  More fun announcements that have completely caught me off guard.  Here I was....doing so well...feeling so optimistic.  The acupuncture seems to be doing something.  No, I still haven't had a period...but I have felt things.  Some cramping, some ovary pain.  But still...no period.  I still feel like a man-child.  And yet, all these youngin's on facebook just keep on getting pregnant.  I try so hard not to sneer....especially at the ones that just "oops...got preggo!!"  How in the heck can it be so simple for some, and so seemingly impossible to others??  I try so hard not to get bitter and hate them for their happy, happy posts.  And yet, the tears come.  I don't even try to stop them anymore.  I cry.  Hard.  Allowing myself to have long, hard belly cries allows me to pick myself up more easily and move on.  I heard somewhere once that crying releases toxins from cells that allows one to feel less stressed and more positive after.  At least that is the justification I am currently using.  But I've gotten better at hiding my emotional outbursts.  I simply take a shower.  Crying in the shower makes it harder for Henry to hear me.  When is it going to be my turn????  When will God answer MY prayers???  I suppose my only relief tonight is to know that crying is okay.  It's good to feel.  It's human.  Someday this will all make sense...

Acupunctawhat?!

Had my first meet and greet with the acupuncturist last Thursday.  I have to say, as skeptical as I was walking in, I have never left a doctor’s office with a higher opinion of my caregiver.  This guy was awesome!  For the first time since entering into actively pursuing baby Holmes, I felt sincerely listened to and cared about.  He asked me about a million questions, and gave me specific, concrete things that I can start doing right now to improve the effectiveness of the treatments.  To my immediate dismay however, this meant giving up my one true love – diet coke.  *shudder*  To make matters worse, he also shot down my second most loved beverage – coffee.  Double ouch.  To subjugate his passionate bias against the aspartame in diet coke, and the Splenda in my coffee, he gave me tons of reading material.  Honestly, it made my skin crawl.  I can’t believe I’ve been putting that crap into my body for so long.  Seriously, I’ve always been the girl who started my day with a SUPER size coffee from Biggby and then drank coke like water throughout the rest of the day.  No wonder I’m out of whack.  Not only do I have to switch from coffee and coke to tea and water, but I have to really work on cutting out Nitrates and MSG.  Ugh!  I love me some Nitrate-dogs!  The one thing I could pat myself on the back of and be proud of was my general eating habits. I tend to eat about 6 small meals a day, and he insisted that he has been encouraging his patients to eat like that for year.  Yeah!  Go me!   Plus, I always eat a big salad with lots of vegetables and a boiled egg.  The doc loved that, but told me to increase my eggs to 2 per day.  Something tells me that I’m going to get really sick of eggs!   Oh, and he also gave me some reading material about a philosophy called the Doctrine of Signatures.  It’s fascinating!  After all this, the doc said he was pretty sure he could get my period to start within 2 to 3 months.  What??!  That’s amazing.  I’ve never had a doctor give me a definite answer before.  So, we’ll see, but for now, I’m holding him to that!

After chatting for about an hour, the real fun began.  Holy crow!  What a trip!  I didn’t feel any pain with the actual acupuncture whatsoever; shocking considering the needles were going in about ½” to an 1” (according to Henry as I couldn’t watch).  After place and adjusting all the needles, I was covered with a blanket, soft music began playing, and I was left along for about 25 minutes.  I almost fell asleep; I was so relaxed. 

Now here’s where it get’s weird.  I had the most bizarre reaction to all of this!  Once I got in my car and left, I got lost.  I could not figure out where the heck I was or where I was going. I was completed disoriented!  It was the craziest thing!  Once I found my way home, I jumped on my elliptical and pounded out 50 minutes of exercise.  Still pumping with energy, I spent the next 3 hours cleaning the crap out of my kitchen!  I haven’t felt so ALIVE in a long time.  My minimal research via Google revealed that this is common.  According to Wikipedia, TCM (Traditional Chinese Medicine) maintains that when energy is blocked in the body, it’s like a hose that has been kinked.  Once the hose is released, the energy is allowed to flow and has an initial overflow of energy that comes bursting out until ultimately stabilizing into a more consistent stream.  After the initial craziness of the 1^st day, I’ve experiencing a lot of cramping/ovary pain.  I don’t know what that means, but it’s gotta mean something, right?! 

So, as of today it’s been 4 days since my 1^st appointment, and I go again tomorrow.  I haven’t had any diet coke or coffee, and we’ve thrown out a lot of our most evil foods.  It hasn’t been too bad.  I’ve had terrible, terrible moments of crippling yearning for diet coke…or as I like to call it Ambrosia (aka Drink of the Gods).  But, I’ve heard it only takes 21 days to solidify a new habit.  Super…only 17 more looonngggg days to go.  I suppose, though, if this actually works, I won’t miss diet coke quite so much anymore.