Refocus

It’s so strange to be “celebrating” my 3^rd Infertility Awareness Week (April 24-30); and it seems incredibly ironic that I have been informed of several more pregnancies and am seemingly surrounded by adorable rounded bellies recently.  I find myself excited for my own journey and down in the dumps all at the same time.  We’re definitely on our way to trying again, but in the meantime, I feel an annoying sense of urgency and impatience.  J  It’s kinda my M.O. 

But, I’m not focusing on that right now.

 Right now, I’m focusing on the love and support I have gotten from some pretty wonderful people.  For example, right in the middle of this week of all weeks, I received a beautiful turtle necklace from a high school friend who I literally haven’t seen in 10 years.  I couldn’t believe that  (A) she reads this blog, (B) that she would care enough to do something so incredibly sweet, and (C) how absolutely beautiful and “me” it was.   On top of that, I am so grateful for those of you who read my blog and talk to me about everything and offer me prayers, support, a strong shoulder, etc.  There are those in my life who are not comfortable talking to me about this stuff AT ALL; and it makes me appreciate you guys so much more. 

Thank you

"Time to use the big hammer"



Not that Hammer



Yes, those were the words Dr. Y used.  I like that image.  Anyhoo, our appointment went really, really well.   Dr. Y is extremely hopeful for us, and said, “You’re young.  You’re healthy.  You will have babies.”  I feel like getting that tattooed on my forehead.  It was nice to hear!  I’m not looking forward to the shots, but I’ll do it!  10 days of shots.  Wowza.  Anyone have any ideas for how I can learn to love shots?  Or at least not be so terrified of them?  Seriously.  I’m a little terrified. 

Terrified, but one thing Dr. Y told us was that the shots do not have the same terrible side effects as Clomid – NO mood swings, no depression, no thin uterine lining, etc.  YES!!!!!!!!!!!  That news made my year.  HOWEVER, there are other side effects – Like Ovarian hyperstimulation and increased chances of multiples.  Basically, this means that I’ll be monitored much more closely than I was with the clomid.  The dosage of drugs is monitored and altered if need be throughout the cycle based on the ultrasounds and blood tests.  If I generate more than 3 eggs, they will cancel the cycle.  This freaks me out a little bit because I remember my girlfriend having to cancel several of her cycles due to this side effect. 

But I’m getting a little ahead of myself.  Before the shots, Henry and I need to do our tests.  This was a big sticking point for me because I seriously didn’t feel like going on hormones to get my period to start before doing the hysterosalpingogram.  But, guess what???  Because I’m a special case – a freak of nature if you will – I do not have to.  I can pretty much go and get the test whenever I want.  So, that is awesome.  I finally found one benefit with my amenorrhea.  Thank YOU brain tumor! 

The only bit of bad news, and it could actually turn out to be good news, is our insurance.  Our insurance does not cover any of the medication or ultrasounds, but Dr. Y mentioned as he was leaving that our stuff should not be billed as “infertility” even though we are going to an infertility clinic.  His reasoning is that my stuff is all a side effect due to a brain tumor, not a classic infertility case.  He said that we should fight the insurance company, and he’d even been willing to draft something to them if we get push back.  I guaranty we will get push back, because I tried to tell them this last year.  But, perhaps with his help, we may get somewhere.  Maybe even get reimburse for the crap we paid for last year????  That would be amazing.  The pessimist in me thinks that it will be a whole lot of fighting, a lot of hold time, transferred calls, and slow going without much result, but we’ll see.

What was really amazing was that I truly felt that Henry and I were together today.  We had our questions answered, and Henry left with the packet of information ready to call our insurance company, ready to schedule our appointments, ready to get this show on the road!  I don’t have to do anything!   He’s pretty much taken it upon himself to shoulder most of the stress, and leave me out of it.  I am good with that!!!  Not only that, but he told me today that he plans on coming with me to my ultrasound appointments.  His support, especially in that area means the world because that was the hardest thing for me at our last go-around.  My ultrasounds last year rarely went well.  Whenever I went in, it was generally bad news, and it was usually difficult for me to get a hold of Henry because he was at work  (and when I would get a hold of him, he couldn’t talk because, ya know, he was AT WORK).  I spent many days crying in my car, alone, before heading back to work.  It’s an unbelievably wonderful feeling to know that I will be supported in this adventure.

It’s weird to thing that this time last year, we were putting the brakes on infertility due to a need to stop hemorrhaging $$$.  This year, we’re starting again.  Maybe by this time next year we’ll be parents??  Maybe?? J
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Oh, and more cool news, I had Chinese for lunch today...lookie at my fortune cookie.  Yippy!

Eureka!

Found it!  Yes folks, I retrieved my sanity.   Pesky little bugger, but I found it!  Give me enough time, and I’m generally pretty good at stepping back, reassessing the situation, and achieving a more positive outlook. 

How did I find my slippery little friend?  Basically, I’ve stopped letting fears and insecurities run rampant in my brain.  I’ve taken back control by making a plan for how we’re going to proactively attack this infertility journey.  Last go-round, we didn’t have much fun.   We did everything we were supposed to do with little enthusiasm and small hope.  I have to admit by the end, I didn’t expect it to work.  I just wanted to keep throwing money at it, because the alternative seemed too horrible.  I didn’t want to give up!  But the truth is, giving up, or rather, taking a break, was the best thing for us.  We had a blast last summer/fall/winter and reconnected in ways we never thought possible after the drudgery of the infertility mess. 

So, how do we do that?  How do we launch into this thing with joy, hope, enthusiasm, and keep the “us-ness” that I like so much?

One thing I’ve really, really been concentrating on is changing my prayers and my general outlook.  I’ve stopped praying for a specific outcome - - ie. a baby.  As I’ve said before, I KNOW we are going to be parents.  That part is already taken care of; we just don’t know how we’re going to get there yet.  Ideally we’d have our own; but in all reality, our path to parenthood could lead us to adoption, or just being awesome mentors to the kiddos we already have in our lives (like my super cool aunt Kath who doesn’t have any kids of her own but instilled values in me that I still carry with me to this day.  AND was the very first person to show me how to apply mascara).  I do not know what God’s plan is for our lives, but I know things will be a lot easier if we are listening to Him and actively participating in His plan.  So I’ve been praying for His will to be done.  That’s easier said than done, but I’m workin’ on it. J

Secondly, I’ve come to the realization that our lives generally rock.  I love my husband.  We’ve been together since we were babies, and we seriously dig each other.  How many people can say that??  That blessing on top of the fact that we live a beautiful home, have ornery, entertaining cat daughters, jobs, a freshwater beach less than 40 min away, amazing friends, fantastic family, etc, etc, etc, is AWESOME .  Why get all bitter, sad, and morose over not being able to have kids right now the way we want to?  Why not enjoy the ride?  I think to help us with this, I’m going to put up something visual.  We need a board of some sort to look at – to refocus, re-center, and remember what it is that we’re doing here when days get shitty (It doesn’t hurt that I LOVE crafts). So, I’m going to get some brightly colored poster board and get busy making it chaotic – filling it with pics of us (especially horrid ones – aka – Prom with my terrible hair), inspirational quotes, things that make us laugh, things that are uniquely us, and glitter, lots of glitter. 

This brings me to the third thing I’ve been attempting to focus on.  I’m not naïve.  I realize that this optimism/new outlook will be put to the test once we actually begin again.  Between fertility meds (aka – CRAZY pills/shots), doctor’s appointments, ultrasounds, bad news, and credit card swipes, it will be a challenge to keep the positive energy flowing around the Holmes’ household.  So, I told Henry last night that I would like to do our best to make the next few months FUN!  Let’s find a way to laugh at the timed shots, the awkward situations, the crazy, little outbursts I’m bound to have.  Laughing is good for the soul, and I intend to do a lot of it.  We’re in this together (which, in and of itself, is amazing); let’s try to enjoy the ride!! 

Confused

Riddle me this…what the hell is wrong with me???  I may not have periods, but I still have crazy hormone shifts, apparently.  Since my last post I have dropped into a crazy depression.  Like literally, the minute I hit “post”, my mood shifted.  I’m depressed, can’t stop crying, and have been lashing out on those closest to me.  One of my good friends was the unfortunate recipient of my unadulterated wrath.  Not only did J catch a snippy little email from me, but Henry caught a huge dose of general B****ness too.  Why?  Here’s the thing, I really have no idea. 

So, what else to do but blog in an attempt to work out these feelings??

My guess is that I’m freaking out a little bit.  Our appointment  with Dr. Y is just around the corner; and as excited as I am to get pregnant, I am so not looking forward to the tests, ultrasounds, medications (and subsequent “YUCK” side-effects of said medications).  I have seen a friend go through all this crap, and am getting nervous about following her down that road.  This is why we tried the acupuncture for several months.  I was SO attempting to avoid this stuff with magical voodoo needles and Chinese herbs.  *Sigh*

 At the same time, I think life in general is getting to me.  I need a break from my job.  Henry needs a break from his job.  We’ve both had insanely stressful months at the office, and we need to escape for a few days! 

Hence: A Vacation Jar

Let’s just hope that puppy fills up fairly soon!!

And let’s hope I find my sanity again.  I know I left it around here somewhere…