James 4:8 - "Come near to God and he will come near to you."

Since my last post, things have been going very well.  I feel renewed, refreshed, and filled with hope.  A lot of what’s changed is my rehabilitated commitment to taking more time for God every day.  I did not like where my head was at in the beginning of March.  It scared me to be completely honest.  Henry and I cannot afford to head back to infertility row without getting our hearts in the right spot.  We need to be in a place where we are a solid team; sure of where we are going, and happy to share in the journey together.  It’s hard to explain, but when I’m in my “God time” recently, I just feel filled with a sense of finality.  Finality in the sense, that it is already done.  My prayer has already been answered; I just haven’t seen it come to fruition yet.  Does that make sense?  In other words ~ I will be a mother;  Henry and I will be parents.   All that’s required of us is faith and patience.  (and money, lots and lots of money…:))

That being said, I have struggled with the haunting feeling that all of this is my entire fault.  I am the broken one in this struggle.  I’m the one that had the brain tumor.  I am the one that doesn’t work.  Last year, I felt that I was the one pulling us to and through the process at the infertility clinic.  True or not, in many ways it felt as though  I was the one who wanted a baby, and Henry loved me enough to begrudgingly except that path until he finally had to put his foot down last May and gave our wallet a break.  I don’t want to feel that way anymore. 

This is not “Lyndsay’s thing”.  I want Henry to feel that he can be honest with me, and either dive into this full throttle, or put the brakes on.  He’s had anxiety as we’ve been creeping closer to April (aka – Go Time), which is completely understandable.  But his anxiety causes me anxiety on top of my guilt; and I refuse to begin this way.  As excited as I was to call the infertility today and get an appointment for next month, I’m not going to.  With my renewed sense of faith in God’s promise, I realize there is no hurry.  My marriage is more important.  I married my best friend.  I want to stay friends and more through this, and we can only do that if we are a united team jumping into this fight together.   After feeling his anxiety come to a head yesterday, I decided this morning to tell him to take the ball and do what he needs to do.  If he would like to take April off, okay.  Maybe we should go on vacation or even take a stay-cation – just relax and enjoy each other for a week.  Honestly, that is fine with me because I love us first – baby is second.  But on the other hand, if he wants to start now, he is going to have to make that call.  I have asked that he call the infertility clinic to set up our appointments, and tell me where I need to go and when. 

So, stay tuned.  Not quite sure what the plan is at this point, but I’ll keep updating. 

Psalm 32:8 - "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you."