Trust Issues

It’s an interesting coincidence that my twisting, turning infertility journey just so happens to cross paths with this Lenten season.  In many ways I do find myself using this time to draw closer to Jesus; to withdraw with Him into the wilderness and reflect.  It’s a time to take stock of where Henry and I have been and where we are going.  At the Ash Wednesday service yesterday, I felt a supreme sense of unity in my personal brokenness with the One who was ultimately broken and miraculously reborn as I received my cross of ashes.  In the moment when the words, “From ashes you came, and to ashes you will return” were mumbled into my ear, I felt my heart break. 

In the period that followed, I sat silently and thought about that.  Life is short.  Life is vapor; and filling it will self-inflicted stress, pain, and sadness is no way to celebrate the precious gift of Jesus' sacrifice.  He sacrificed Himself so that we may have life, and have it abundantly.  Then the question hit me --  When's the last time I lived life abundantly? 

One quote my good friend Jill uses a lot is, “Understanding is God’s responsibility.  Trusting is ours.”  I struggle with that.  I want to understand what’s going on and why, and I want immediate results/feedback/answers.  Basically, I am a control freak, and I find it supremely challenging to pour myself 100% in anything that we’ve tried.  I find myself cooking up back-up plan after back-up plan, rather than relaxing in the knowledge that God would not have put this desire to be a mother in my heart if it wasn’t meant to be.  I just have to keep reminding myself that we’re just not sure what that will look like yet.

So I’m using this time to relax and fortify myself with the knowledge that God has already made this promise of motherhood to me.  Trusting in that promise and in His timing is my responsibility.  That's a hard pill to swallow, but it would make life a whole lot more fun if I would work on that notion more diligently. 

This Lenten season is just that – a season.  It has a beginning and an end as everything does.  The time for celebration is near! 

“From the ashes you came, and to ashes you will return”.  --  Let’s not waste the precious time in-between with sadness and doubt.