In the words of Austin Powers, "Grrrr, Baby."

Well, Kids, March has come in like an emotional lion, and I’m hoping it will go out like a Zen little lamb.  I have been a crazy, sad girl this week.  The eternal optimist buried deep within me is saying that this could be due to an increase in hormones.  Maybe I’m getting ready to start a period?? 
Maybe??

Or, more likely, I’m getting nervous about this next month.  We have 4 more acupuncturist appointments, and I seriously don’t believe it’s gonna work.  Not that I regret the decision to try acupuncture.  I have enjoyed other benefits, but his a small happiness compared to what I was hoping for. 

So, yes, I believe it’s back to the infertility clinic, my friends.  Blah.  That blows.  Now, I’m just trying to decide what to do.  Should I call them now?  Last time I was referred to Dr. Y, it took over a month to get in.  I do NOT want a month of lag time.  Also, I’d like to be proactive when we meet with them.  I know they are going to try to rush us into IUI, but before we can do that, I have to have a Hysterosalpingogram.  For those of you who do not know, a Hysterosalpingogram is an X-ray test that looks at the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes and the area around them to look for any blockages or other issues.  The problem with this test is that it will cost us a little over $1,000 right out of the gate.  Thank you SUCK insurance.  Yep, before we could even start anything, we’d be down $1,000.  That’s a little hard to swallow.  That said, I’d rather start with Clomid again.  Yes, I’ve already tried it like 10 times in the past. No, it didn’t work.   But, I’ve had more time since my brain tumor surgery to heal, and maybe the acupuncture did something?  Maybe I would be more effective this time?  I don’t know.  I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head.  It’s hard to process them all.

Besides the mental hampsterwheel situation I’ve got going on, feelings of guilt have been increasing exponentially.  A lot of Henry’s sentences as of late begin with, “Once we get this baby situation figured out…”, or, “Once we know how much this is all going to cost….”.  Because I am broken, we can’t make plans.  Because I’m broken, we are committed to sinking loads of money into something that could turn out to be fruitless.

I’m scared.

I’m scared it’s not going to work.  I’m scared that so many of our other dreams will have to die because of this one.  I’m scared about what this is going o do to my body. 

And, I’m angry.  It’s so unfair that we even have to go through this.