A Big Step in the Right Direction

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!  Yeeehaaawwww.  Yip!  YEEEEE!!!

(That was the sound of me doing a crazy, happy dance)

My hubby just sent me an email -- a glorious, magnificent, wonderful email telling me a bit of electrifying news:

We have an appointment on the calendar with Dr. Y!!! 

For those who have missed previous posts, Dr. Y is an infertility endocrinologist.  He will be guiding us along over the next few months as we officially begin this journey again.  I’m excited, scared, anticipatory, nervous, thrilled, apprehensive, anxious, fearful, overjoyed, eager, and calm all at the same time.   I feel like my little frame is going to burst at the seams with nervous energy!!

The unfortunate part is that our appointment isn’t until April 19^th, but I’m looking at that as a positive.  Not having an appointment for 3 weeks, will mean 3 full weeks without having a single appointment as I will no longer be seeing Dr. H.  In the meantime, I’m looking forward to enjoying this lovely Spring weather.  Besides, once you’ve been trying for 3 years, what’s a few more weeks??

Moving On

Tomorrow is more than likely my last meeting with Dr. H.  We exchanged emails last week after my last visit in which I simply reminded him that 3/29 is our last scheduled appointment, and asked, "Is this going to work or isn’t it?  I expected him to say something along the lines of, “Well, we’ve given it a solid 3 months; I do not think it’s going to work.”  Or, “We’ve made great progress; I think you’re almost there.  Let’s give it one more month.”  No, instead he said, “Well…..we could start doing more aggressive treatments…” 

Hmmm.  Nope. 

The man knew he had 3 months (a deadline he established himself) when we began this little adventure.  If more aggressive treatments were available, why are we just now discussing this???  Grrr.

So, that sucks. 

Henry is coming with me tomorrow simply because he is better at dealing with this sort of thing than I am.  I’m always afraid I’m going to hurt someone’s feeling and I do not think fast on my feet.  Plus, the hubby coming with me is just a really great jumping off point to him being more involved in our future moves at the infertility clinic. 

Speaking of, Henry revealed some of his thoughts as to our future plans with me on Saturday.  Apparently, he will be making appointments for April.  The lucky guy has to get a semen analysis done, and I get to endure the oh so fun to say - Hysterosalpingogram .  Other than that, I’m not really sure what we’re doing at this point (can you tell it’s driving me crazy???).  I think Henry is going to make an appointment sometime in the next few months to sit down with Dr. Y (Infertility Endocrinologist) to talk about our next move(s).  

My Mantra

So, continue to stay tuned.  I’m excited to move on, but not particularly enjoying this limbo stage at this point.  And please pray that I get better at releasing control and trusting in my hubby.  He deserves my trust.

James 4:8 - "Come near to God and he will come near to you."

Since my last post, things have been going very well.  I feel renewed, refreshed, and filled with hope.  A lot of what’s changed is my rehabilitated commitment to taking more time for God every day.  I did not like where my head was at in the beginning of March.  It scared me to be completely honest.  Henry and I cannot afford to head back to infertility row without getting our hearts in the right spot.  We need to be in a place where we are a solid team; sure of where we are going, and happy to share in the journey together.  It’s hard to explain, but when I’m in my “God time” recently, I just feel filled with a sense of finality.  Finality in the sense, that it is already done.  My prayer has already been answered; I just haven’t seen it come to fruition yet.  Does that make sense?  In other words ~ I will be a mother;  Henry and I will be parents.   All that’s required of us is faith and patience.  (and money, lots and lots of money…:))

That being said, I have struggled with the haunting feeling that all of this is my entire fault.  I am the broken one in this struggle.  I’m the one that had the brain tumor.  I am the one that doesn’t work.  Last year, I felt that I was the one pulling us to and through the process at the infertility clinic.  True or not, in many ways it felt as though  I was the one who wanted a baby, and Henry loved me enough to begrudgingly except that path until he finally had to put his foot down last May and gave our wallet a break.  I don’t want to feel that way anymore. 

This is not “Lyndsay’s thing”.  I want Henry to feel that he can be honest with me, and either dive into this full throttle, or put the brakes on.  He’s had anxiety as we’ve been creeping closer to April (aka – Go Time), which is completely understandable.  But his anxiety causes me anxiety on top of my guilt; and I refuse to begin this way.  As excited as I was to call the infertility today and get an appointment for next month, I’m not going to.  With my renewed sense of faith in God’s promise, I realize there is no hurry.  My marriage is more important.  I married my best friend.  I want to stay friends and more through this, and we can only do that if we are a united team jumping into this fight together.   After feeling his anxiety come to a head yesterday, I decided this morning to tell him to take the ball and do what he needs to do.  If he would like to take April off, okay.  Maybe we should go on vacation or even take a stay-cation – just relax and enjoy each other for a week.  Honestly, that is fine with me because I love us first – baby is second.  But on the other hand, if he wants to start now, he is going to have to make that call.  I have asked that he call the infertility clinic to set up our appointments, and tell me where I need to go and when. 

So, stay tuned.  Not quite sure what the plan is at this point, but I’ll keep updating. 

Psalm 32:8 - "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you." 

Trust Issues

It’s an interesting coincidence that my twisting, turning infertility journey just so happens to cross paths with this Lenten season.  In many ways I do find myself using this time to draw closer to Jesus; to withdraw with Him into the wilderness and reflect.  It’s a time to take stock of where Henry and I have been and where we are going.  At the Ash Wednesday service yesterday, I felt a supreme sense of unity in my personal brokenness with the One who was ultimately broken and miraculously reborn as I received my cross of ashes.  In the moment when the words, “From ashes you came, and to ashes you will return” were mumbled into my ear, I felt my heart break. 

In the period that followed, I sat silently and thought about that.  Life is short.  Life is vapor; and filling it will self-inflicted stress, pain, and sadness is no way to celebrate the precious gift of Jesus' sacrifice.  He sacrificed Himself so that we may have life, and have it abundantly.  Then the question hit me --  When's the last time I lived life abundantly? 

One quote my good friend Jill uses a lot is, “Understanding is God’s responsibility.  Trusting is ours.”  I struggle with that.  I want to understand what’s going on and why, and I want immediate results/feedback/answers.  Basically, I am a control freak, and I find it supremely challenging to pour myself 100% in anything that we’ve tried.  I find myself cooking up back-up plan after back-up plan, rather than relaxing in the knowledge that God would not have put this desire to be a mother in my heart if it wasn’t meant to be.  I just have to keep reminding myself that we’re just not sure what that will look like yet.

So I’m using this time to relax and fortify myself with the knowledge that God has already made this promise of motherhood to me.  Trusting in that promise and in His timing is my responsibility.  That's a hard pill to swallow, but it would make life a whole lot more fun if I would work on that notion more diligently. 

This Lenten season is just that – a season.  It has a beginning and an end as everything does.  The time for celebration is near! 

“From the ashes you came, and to ashes you will return”.  --  Let’s not waste the precious time in-between with sadness and doubt.

In the words of Austin Powers, "Grrrr, Baby."

Well, Kids, March has come in like an emotional lion, and I’m hoping it will go out like a Zen little lamb.  I have been a crazy, sad girl this week.  The eternal optimist buried deep within me is saying that this could be due to an increase in hormones.  Maybe I’m getting ready to start a period?? 
Maybe??

Or, more likely, I’m getting nervous about this next month.  We have 4 more acupuncturist appointments, and I seriously don’t believe it’s gonna work.  Not that I regret the decision to try acupuncture.  I have enjoyed other benefits, but his a small happiness compared to what I was hoping for. 

So, yes, I believe it’s back to the infertility clinic, my friends.  Blah.  That blows.  Now, I’m just trying to decide what to do.  Should I call them now?  Last time I was referred to Dr. Y, it took over a month to get in.  I do NOT want a month of lag time.  Also, I’d like to be proactive when we meet with them.  I know they are going to try to rush us into IUI, but before we can do that, I have to have a Hysterosalpingogram.  For those of you who do not know, a Hysterosalpingogram is an X-ray test that looks at the inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes and the area around them to look for any blockages or other issues.  The problem with this test is that it will cost us a little over $1,000 right out of the gate.  Thank you SUCK insurance.  Yep, before we could even start anything, we’d be down $1,000.  That’s a little hard to swallow.  That said, I’d rather start with Clomid again.  Yes, I’ve already tried it like 10 times in the past. No, it didn’t work.   But, I’ve had more time since my brain tumor surgery to heal, and maybe the acupuncture did something?  Maybe I would be more effective this time?  I don’t know.  I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head.  It’s hard to process them all.

Besides the mental hampsterwheel situation I’ve got going on, feelings of guilt have been increasing exponentially.  A lot of Henry’s sentences as of late begin with, “Once we get this baby situation figured out…”, or, “Once we know how much this is all going to cost….”.  Because I am broken, we can’t make plans.  Because I’m broken, we are committed to sinking loads of money into something that could turn out to be fruitless.

I’m scared.

I’m scared it’s not going to work.  I’m scared that so many of our other dreams will have to die because of this one.  I’m scared about what this is going o do to my body. 

And, I’m angry.  It’s so unfair that we even have to go through this.