Eureka!

Found it!  Yes folks, I retrieved my sanity.   Pesky little bugger, but I found it!  Give me enough time, and I’m generally pretty good at stepping back, reassessing the situation, and achieving a more positive outlook. 

How did I find my slippery little friend?  Basically, I’ve stopped letting fears and insecurities run rampant in my brain.  I’ve taken back control by making a plan for how we’re going to proactively attack this infertility journey.  Last go-round, we didn’t have much fun.   We did everything we were supposed to do with little enthusiasm and small hope.  I have to admit by the end, I didn’t expect it to work.  I just wanted to keep throwing money at it, because the alternative seemed too horrible.  I didn’t want to give up!  But the truth is, giving up, or rather, taking a break, was the best thing for us.  We had a blast last summer/fall/winter and reconnected in ways we never thought possible after the drudgery of the infertility mess. 

So, how do we do that?  How do we launch into this thing with joy, hope, enthusiasm, and keep the “us-ness” that I like so much?

One thing I’ve really, really been concentrating on is changing my prayers and my general outlook.  I’ve stopped praying for a specific outcome - - ie. a baby.  As I’ve said before, I KNOW we are going to be parents.  That part is already taken care of; we just don’t know how we’re going to get there yet.  Ideally we’d have our own; but in all reality, our path to parenthood could lead us to adoption, or just being awesome mentors to the kiddos we already have in our lives (like my super cool aunt Kath who doesn’t have any kids of her own but instilled values in me that I still carry with me to this day.  AND was the very first person to show me how to apply mascara).  I do not know what God’s plan is for our lives, but I know things will be a lot easier if we are listening to Him and actively participating in His plan.  So I’ve been praying for His will to be done.  That’s easier said than done, but I’m workin’ on it. J

Secondly, I’ve come to the realization that our lives generally rock.  I love my husband.  We’ve been together since we were babies, and we seriously dig each other.  How many people can say that??  That blessing on top of the fact that we live a beautiful home, have ornery, entertaining cat daughters, jobs, a freshwater beach less than 40 min away, amazing friends, fantastic family, etc, etc, etc, is AWESOME .  Why get all bitter, sad, and morose over not being able to have kids right now the way we want to?  Why not enjoy the ride?  I think to help us with this, I’m going to put up something visual.  We need a board of some sort to look at – to refocus, re-center, and remember what it is that we’re doing here when days get shitty (It doesn’t hurt that I LOVE crafts). So, I’m going to get some brightly colored poster board and get busy making it chaotic – filling it with pics of us (especially horrid ones – aka – Prom with my terrible hair), inspirational quotes, things that make us laugh, things that are uniquely us, and glitter, lots of glitter. 

This brings me to the third thing I’ve been attempting to focus on.  I’m not naïve.  I realize that this optimism/new outlook will be put to the test once we actually begin again.  Between fertility meds (aka – CRAZY pills/shots), doctor’s appointments, ultrasounds, bad news, and credit card swipes, it will be a challenge to keep the positive energy flowing around the Holmes’ household.  So, I told Henry last night that I would like to do our best to make the next few months FUN!  Let’s find a way to laugh at the timed shots, the awkward situations, the crazy, little outbursts I’m bound to have.  Laughing is good for the soul, and I intend to do a lot of it.  We’re in this together (which, in and of itself, is amazing); let’s try to enjoy the ride!!