BLAMO!!

I’ve been having a very strange time.  About two months ago I decided to proactively take on my lovely, winter-time depression monster.  Confidently, I took the advice of my husband and began working on focusing on the positives of my life, because yes, I have a lot to be thankful for.  I felt that this year would be my year.  I would not again fall into a deep hole and pray for spring.  I felt good, great.  Success!

But then, BLAMO! 

Depression reared its ugly head.  It all started with my birthday.  I know, I know, 28 isn’t old.  But, I’ve been dreaming of being a mother for as long as I can remember, and I feel like my time is ticking by.   All I’ve ever wanted was a family.  You see, my parents divorced when I was two, and I spent my entire childhood bouncing between families.  I lived with my mom until the 4^th grade, then my dad sued for custody, and I lived with him until going back to my mom’s in high school.  It was a difficult childhood.  I never felt like I had a place where I belonged.   The custody laws determined where I would be each weekend, weekday, or school break.   I had a set of clothes, a bed, friends, set of rules, etc that changed depending on which house I was visiting.  I grew up with a feeling of transient family experiences.  Now, all I want is to make a baby and have a family of my very own.  One where we all live together in ONE house ALL the time.  Is that so much to ask???  I don’t think so.

Since my birthday, I have been able to bring myself out of my slump for momentary bits of time.  Mostly, it’s been Henry’s doing.  That man is amazing.  He has a way of making me feel that he is wholeheartedly devoted to my happiness and making me smile (probably because he is implausibly devoted to me despite my craziness).  He is kind and patient when I am not, and I would not be able to get through this without him.  That is for certain. 

But it just keeps happening.  Yesterday, I was feeling okay, until I overheard:

“Oh my God!   I blew a button!!”
“Well, you are 17 weeks!”
“I know!  I can’t wait to find out the sex!!”

Ahhh!  Kill me!   Work is my escape!  I’m usually so busy that I do not have time to think about my crap, but then BLAMO!! , I overhear a conversation that I did not want invading my consciousness in any way!  Rawr!  Nothing like bursting into tears at your cubical! 

I guess all I can do is continue to try.  I do have so much to be thankful for.  I know this, but it’s just so hard sometimes.  We officially have less than a month before “Go Time.”  January we hop back on the fertility treatment train, and I am freaking out!  Not to mention, December 20^th marks our 3 year anniversary of TTC.  Ugh.