Bam (like Emeril, but with less butter) !!

Like a bolt of lightening a wonderful little piece of knowledge blasted itself into my consciousness last night.  I was blindsided and thrilled at finally recognizing an essential truth about myself. 

 Since beginning of this infertility journey, I’ve a really, really hard time when someone becomes pregnant.  The obvious reason for this sad reaction is of jealousy of course.  Well, jealousy AND heartache, but I think it’s more than that.  It’s about relationships.  Growing up with divorced parents, I lost a lot of friendships as my parents transitioned from place to place, and my brother and I moved from home to home.  We lost friends.  I can honestly say that I do not have any childhood friends.  I’ve never stayed in one place long enough to develop lasting bonds, and I learned to stop trying and caring so much to do so.  This trend has stayed with me into adulthood.  I didn’t become close to many people in college, except for my two roommates.  We spent every waking hour together and were in each other’s weddings.  Sadly, soon after graduation they moved away.  One moved to Chicago and one to the other side of the state.  We still call each other from time to time, but it’s not the same. Due to this history, I would say that my biggest fear is abandonment. It's only been within the last 5 years I have developed a few friendships that have lasted several years.   Though, sadly, the cause behind the friendships that have fallen apart are due to Henry and my struggle with infertility.  It seems that the moment my friends become pregnant, our friendships have died. 

I remember this specifically happening with a girlfriend a little over two years ago.  We were SO close.  Henry and I actually moved a mile up the road from them, and were geeked at all the time we’d be able to spend together without the long commute in our way.  One way we bonded was in or shared struggles with infertility.  She and her husband had actually been told that they were never going to be able to have kids due to massive surgeries she has when she was younger.  Conceding to that truth, they had mapped out a plan for their future sans children.   We connected in this area until a miracle happened and they became pregnant.  I was over-the-moon thrilled for her!  But, things changed between us overnight.  Trying to be a good friend, she made sure to not talk about her pregnancy around me.  When I would ask her questions, she would answer quickly before rapidly changing the subject.  In all honestly, I changed too.  I became guarded and no longer cried on her shoulder about my own struggles.  It just felt awkward.  She could no longer “go there” with me.  If/when I did bring it up, she’d retort with short simple answers such as, “It’s all in God’s timing.  Just look at me!!!”  I no longer felt listened to, so I stopped talking.  Today, we still live a mile apart, and I still look at all the adorable pictures of her son on facebook, but I never see her anymore.  I’d like to say that this is the only time this has happened, but it’ not. 

Looking back over this history, I realize that one crippling fear I have when someone becomes pregnant is that they are going to leave me.  This especially blows considering the fact that most people will have kids at some point in their lives.  Hanging out with a sad, infertile chick like me is not so fun when you’re BURSTING at the seams with joy and just want to bubble over with preggo-excited JOY all the time.  I get it; I understand, but it sucks.

But, here’s Part 2 of my revelation from last night. 

I was hanging out with my small group girls last night, and it suddenly hit me that this pattern will not continue with these girls.  Somehow, when I wasn’t looking for anymore friends (because my existing friends are pretty awesome), these girls came into my life.  We’ve been friends for only a year, but we are already family.  The group of eight (including husbands) have shared so much of themselves.  In all honesty, everyone in the group has disclosed more about their lives (past, present struggles, future hopes, etc.) than I have.  This, in and of itself, is HUGE for me.  I tend to over-share and leave myself feeling raw and bare.  In more times than not, the honesty is not reciprocated, and I am left to feel exposed and uncomfortable.  But, for the first time, I cannot wait for my friends to become parents.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  I suppose it’s truer to say, that I know that it will be okay when they have kids.   I know that I will be invited in.  They have proven to me that they have the depth and sensitivity to navigate the weirdness well.  I will be invited into conversations, baby showers, nursery planning, and babysitting.  I’m sick of being on the outs by good meaning people for my own emotional protection;  and I’m happy to know that this will not happen again.  Thank God for small Blessings.