Making a plan not to plan

Read this first...Article by Rob Bell.

I am a planner. 

At least I used to be. 

I vividly remember riding with Henry one sunny afternoon months before our wedding.  Being the planner I am, I used this opportunity to “map out” our future together in a Mead notebook.   After a bit of time, we had quite the list of dreams, goals, hopes, and methods for achieving everything we wanted out of life. 

The two items I remember discussing at length were (1) vacations and (2) children~ 

1.  We decided that we would make traveling a priority.  I had seen very little of the U.S. and I had certainly never left the country before meeting Henry.  Putting a stop to that nonsense, we got engaged in Panama, and had our Honeymoon in London.  We intended to continue this tradition year after year, adding stamps to our passports and photos to scrapbooks throughout our life together... 

2.  As far as kiddos go, our most mature decision was to wait until I was 23 to start trying to have kids.  Yes, this would give us two full years to build on our relationship before baby makin’.    Very wise.  Once we decided that, we discussed the perfect number.  Two, we decided, was the lowest acceptable number, but three would be ideal because I like odd numbers…maybe because I am a little odd myself…:)

Like Rob, my world changed with a headache.  Well, not one headache, but a multitude of headaches and other symptoms I ignored for years.   A little blood work, several MRI’s, and a CAT scan later a large tumor in my head was confirmed. 

Funny, a tumor wasn’t in our plans. 

The subsequent issues I’ve had due to the tumor were not in our plans. 

The time at the infertility clinic, and the thousands of dollars that has already spent out of pocket, was not in our plans.   I wish time at the infertility clinic was more of a picnic as the funds used there have stolen any and all vacation money away.  At least they have free coffee and magazines, but my sad little passport sits with my maiden name still inked on the cover and two little stamps inside.

So, here I am, 28, and life has not panned out as we planned to date.   I actually find myself unable to make plans.  Everything seems to now hinge on “fixing” me.  “If I get fixed, then we can afford…”  Or “If I get pregnant by ‘x’, then… “ Or “Once we know how much this is going to cost us, then we can decide….”.  It’s been a few years of limbo, and that just feels strange for a planner like me. 

Fortunately, I would say this year is the first year that we’ve been better about making the most of our limbo time.  We’ve taken mini trips to the beach, bought snowboarding stuff, and tackled some home projects.  We’ve focused more on living and celebrating the wonderful things that we already have because time is ticking by.  Life is now.  Life doesn’t begin once we achieve these other things we desire, but now, and it’s our job to make the most of what is going on now in the everyday.  Baby or not, me ever being fixed or not; I still need to discover my life’s passion and get started.  As Rob spoke about in the article, his suffering lead to a new tomorrow.  I'm excited to see what that tomorrow looks like.